Narcissistic mothers are injured people. Emotional injuries are multi-generational, meaning that they get passed down from one generation to the next. When a parent is narcissistically injured, they will project their injuries onto their children unless they take the time to heal their own childhood wounds before becoming parents.

Narcissistic wounds become embedded into the human psyche in the first few years of life. According to Attachment Theory (John Bowlby, MD), in order to form a healthy human psyche we must attune to the emotions of our infants. Through this attunement and “good enough” mothering, infants learn to self-soothe and establish a healthy core self.

Basic ingredients for mental health according to John Bowlby, MD include breastfeeding, eye contact, skin contact, stay-at-home mothering (at least for the first plus two years of life) and a general attitude of child-centered parenting. When these ingredients are lacking, the infant/child is then lacking in “narcissistic supplies” which leaves them feeling empty.

Narcissistic injuries can be a result of abuse in the form of neglect, physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and smothering. When a mother abuses, neglects, or smothers the infant, the infant cannot grow emotionally.

Children of narcissistic mother figures suffer deeply because they become the narcissistic supply for the mother figure, rather than the mother figure supplying their emotional needs. The children are groomed to satisfy their needs which creates a reverse flow of emotions.

Typically, children become extensions of their mother figure by becoming their “little dolly” and fulfilling their mothers need for beauty, success, and other wishes. The fallout of this dysfunctional dynamic can create children who become co-dependent and fail to grow into healthily independent adults. Co-dependent on the parent, their world revolves around the parent and thwarts the separation and individuation processes. Other fallout costs of this unhealthy dynamic include low self-esteem, inability to form healthy relationships, feeling of entitlement, a need for perfection, and flipping into extreme self-criticism. This injury leads to a hollow sense of self known as a “false self.” These children are drained of their energy and often dismissed and/or punished when they don’t fulfill their mother figure’s needs and wishes.

Body dysmorphic disorder, deep depression, self-hatred, and feelings that they are “not good enough” are common symptoms in these children. Narcissistically wounded children may fluctuate from overvaluing to undervaluing themselves and others. They can DEMEAN, DEVALUE, AND DESTROY not only themselves, but others as well. This “cracked lens of perception” can result in some fluctuating misperceptions where they sometimes see themselves as “very special” and other times see themselves as worthless.

Typically father figures participate in this unhealthy dynamic by being passive. Although they may not overtly injure their children, they covertly contribute to the injury to their children by not standing up for them. Children coming from these family dynamics often have negative core beliefs revolving around not feeling special. Their sense of worthlessness comes from an understanding that they are only as valuable as how much they can serve their mother. Their defense mechanism can also come across as the children presenting themselves as “very special.”  They then may repeat the blueprint.

One can avoid these dynamics by healing the wounds at the causal level and reprocessing the grief and shame behind the curtain of the fragile self. If boundaries cannot be established with the mother, it is sometimes advisable to completely disconnect from these injured and injurious mothers to avoid a complete breakdown of the self.