If you are the child of a narcissistic parent or you have been in a relationship with an abusive partner, then it is quite likely that, at some point, you chose to settle for less than healthy love.
If we think about it, there actually is no such thing as ‘toxic’ love anyway! It is an oxymoron. Love can never be toxic because love is always good for you, always life giving and healing.
But for many abuse victims, ‘love’ became associated with a trauma bond.
In healthy relationships it is the love you have for each other that sustains the relationship and creates a safe and enduring bond. In toxic relationships it is the trauma that sustains it and secures a sometimes enduring but unsafe bond.
Healthy love is not an addiction but rather a peaceful choice that fosters calm and secure attachment. Toxic relationships create insecure attachment and a constant swinging between highs and lows. There is no peace.
In healthy relationships your central nervous system is soothed and restored. In toxic relationships you are on high alert and in a flight/fight response most of the time. This state of stress wreaks havoc on the body and mind resulting in depletion on every level.
However, toxic bonds are often the reason that people return to the very people who hurt them! Why is this? ‘What the Freud’ is going on?
As with all symptoms, using the Mind Map as our path to healing, we ask the question, what is the cause of this attraction to unhealthy ‘love’?
Well, the reason that you are in the situation in life that you are in today is because of your blueprint!
In childhood you took on beliefs about yourself that caused you to draw people and situations to yourself that reflect those very beliefs. In a narcissistic family system you were assigned a role (an identity as golden child/scapegoat etc) that served to keep the family unit intact but also was your means of getting ‘love’.
In childhood you learned to accept conditional love and as a result people pleasing and external validation was your experience of what it means to be loved! In adulthood this pattern will have repeated and thus the natural fit with vampire types who come to seduce, manipulate (use) and finally discard, was set in place.
That is why, if there is a narcissistic person in your life today, they are actually revealing to you that there is work to do on your core beliefs and what you need to change.
As much as we call out the narcissist for being toxic, so too are we that seek out abuse in place of love.
In order to truly heal, and open up to true, unconditional love, we must be willing to take a long hard look at ourselves and then call out our own toxic enabling behaviours if we are ever to be free.
The Mind Map is a wonderful plan in order to see the faulty encoding in Panels 1, 2 &3; followed by the toxic ways of relating and coping that we took on in Panels 4,5,6, and finally a thorough realisation that you were not the cause of this, but the victim.
In Panels 7,8 &9 you begin to see how now it is time to no longer be victim and to take charge of your life going forward. The ‘truth light’ has shone on your blueprint and you are now able to see clearly the WTF patterns and how it is time to choose to be different!
Once you have seen the truth about the narcissist and the truth about yourself too, the only way forwards is to change. And this comes easily you have done the inner change at the causal level.
Many clients discover a growing inner feistiness that can detect toxicity masquerading as ‘love’ like never before and a determination never to allow that into their lives again.
Here below are some key differences between healthy love and toxic ‘love’:
- Motivation and Intent:
Toxic love is driven by the need to use someone to meet one’s own needs, desires, and ego. The primary intent is to gain admiration, validation, and control over the partner.
Real love is motivated by genuine care, empathy, and concern for the well-being of the partner. The focus is on mutual growth, support, and creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
- Empathy and Consideration:
Empathy is often lacking in toxic love. The narcissist may not wish to understand or prioritize their partner’s feelings, needs, and experiences.
Empathy plays a central role in real love. Partners are attuned to each other’s emotions, show understanding, and strive to be considerate of each other’s feelings.
- Communication:
In toxic relationships, communication is always manipulative, self-centred, and often involves tactics to control or maintain power over the partner.
In healthy love, communication is open, honest, and respectful. Partners actively listen, express themselves genuinely, and work together to resolve conflicts.
- Selflessness vs. Selfishness:
Toxic love is selfish. The narcissistic partner prioritizes their own needs and desires above those of their partner, often leading to an unbalanced and unhealthy dynamic and they will go to any length to do this.
In true love, partners prioritize each other’s well-being and make sacrifices for the relationship’s success.
- Validation and Insecurity:
Narcissistic partners seek constant validation and admiration from their partner, reflecting their underlying insecurities.
Partners in a real love relationship provide validation and support to each other, helping to build each other’s self-esteem in a healthy manner.
- Jealousy and Trust:
Jealousy is at the core of the narcissistic relationship due to a fear of losing control or validation from the partner. Trust is always lacking and insecurity the norm.
Trust is a foundation of real love. Partners have confidence in each other’s intentions and actions, leading to a more secure and harmonious bond.
- Longevity and Growth:
Narcissistic relationships often struggle to endure over time due to the inherent imbalance and toxicity.
Real love has the potential for long-lasting, meaningful relationships. Partners grow together, supporting each other’s personal development.
In summary, narcissistic love revolves around the narcissist! Manipulation, control, apathy and destruction are part of the agenda. Real love is characterized by empathy, mutual respect, communication, and genuine care for each other’s well-being. Real love leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships, while narcissistic love always results in dysfunction, trauma and despair.
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, New York, Basic Books. Bretherton, I.
Kernberg, O.F. (2004) Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Rosenberg, J. (2015) Be the cause: Healing human disconnect. United States: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.