Covert Narcissism

When we think about a narcissist, the image that pops into mind closely follows that of the Greek myth of Narcissus. In the myth, Narcissus was a self-obsessed, boasting, haughty man. His demise came when he found a pool that reflected his face perfectly, so perfectly that he did not stop looking at himself until his dying day. This classic, overtly self-centered character is only one representation of what narcissism can look like. Sometimes, narcissists can hide behind a shy exterior. Although covert narcissists do not dominate the spotlight, they share the same destructive traits with overt narcissists.

What is a Narcissist?

Before we jump into the specifics of covert narcissism, it is necessary to understand the universal traits that all narcissists share. Jamie McLean, MD lists the DSM IV's criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• "Grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty
• Belief that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people
• Requires excessive admiration
• Has a sense of entitlement
• Is interpersonally exploitative
• Lacks empathy
• Is often envious of others and believes that others are envious of him or her
• Displays arrogant and haughty behaviors"

She explains that "narcissistic psychopathology is a result of parental lack of empathy during development." Growing up without the necessary psychological nutrients can result in developing a false sense of self that requires constant upkeep from others. They exploit their victims to obtain the psychological ingredients that they never received. Dr. McLean reports that "Patients with NPD may have a history of many failed relationships secondary to disappointment that the relationship is not giving them the longed-for childhood gratification and their missing self object needs."

Why Covert Narcissism is Different

In her article, "The Overt Versus Covert Narcissist: Both Suck," Julie Hall explains that "the covert narcissist lacks the brash confidence to seek public attention and perform for the crowd, preferring to stay on the sidelines where s/he feels less exposed to possible criticism and humiliation. But although the covert narcissist is harder to spot in a crowd, s/he is just as selfish, entitled, and manipulative as the overt variety." The fact that they subvert the stereotype of a narcissist perhaps makes them more dangerous. Through hiding their true nature behind a facade of vulnerability, they can fool their victims with more ease. Julie Hall lists the traits to look for that are common in covert narcissists:

• "Behave passive-aggressively to get their way
• Are smug, insensitive, and withholding
• Seek out caretaker personality types to exploit
• Cry on cue and manipulate through self-pitying performances
• Have delusions of victimization and persecution
• Will stage a crisis to gain attention
• Exaggerate suffering and sickness to garner sympathy
• Have a long history of depression and anxiety
• Habitually drain their partner/family emotionally and often monetarily
• Blame their problems and failures on "unfair" people, institutions, and circumstances"

From A Mind Map Perspective

When a parent does not give their child the empathy they need in Part 1 of their lives, it can result in the apathy that we see in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Their apathy is a reaction to the insecure emotional base they form during childhood. Since they did not form a sense of self, they form a false identity that functions to help them exploit others while others get manipulated into holding up that false identity. In the case of covert narcissists, they have been very injured and struggle deeply with shame so they turn to manipulation, gaslighting, controlling, demeaning, and devaluing. Instead of looking into themselves and their painful past to heal, they do everything possible to push it down further so that they do not have to face it. In this way, it is hard for them to heal. They operate in an endless cycle of chaos, using and abusing others in search of the elements of their childhood that are missing.