Hurters Can't Be Healers

A child cannot grow into an emotionally healthy adult without empathy from their primary caretaker. When a parent is narcissistic, they are not capable of having empathy for their children. Day by day, they suck the life from their child who is so willing to give and, in turn, wound the child deeply. Like a boomerang, the child always flies back to the source of their pain seeking closure and healing. What they fail to realize is this: our hurters cannot heal us.

Here is how to spot a narcissistic personality according to Dr. Karyl McBride, author of 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough":

• Grandiose sense of self-importance, exaggerates achievements and talents

• Expects to be recognized as superior

• Fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love

• Believes that he or she is "special" and can only be understood by and associate with certain people or groups

• Requires excessive admiration

• Sense of entitlement

• Takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

• Often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

• Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes

• Last but not least, lacks empathy

Empathy

Empathy is defined by the ability to understand or feel what someone else is feeling. For example, if a parent was too harsh on their child and caused them to cry, an empathetic parent would be able to see the pain they caused. They would ideally apologize for their error or at least comfort their child, not wanting to see them in distress.

In the case of the narcissistic parent, the child is a means to achieving their own selfish fulfillment. As said by Karyl McBride PhD. in her article, "How Empathetic Parenting is the Antithesis of Narcissism," lack of empathy is a telltale sign of a narcissistic parent. If they were too harsh on their child, they would not care if the child was bawling. They can only see their own feelings and needs. Either blind or uncaring to their child's anguish, they continue to hurt them again and again. Furthermore, without empathy, they do not have the tools to genuinely give the love and apologies that the child needs to heal.

Always Going Back

When a child's emotions are ignored and their needs pushed aside for another's, they form negative core beliefs about themselves such as "I am unlovable" or "I am not good enough." It is the WTF (What The Freud) system of repetition that then keeps them coming back to their abuser. Their goal is to gain validation. All they want is to hear them say they are good enough and that they are loved.

The problem is, without both parent and child realizing that they are in a narcissistic relationship and need intervention, those words will never come. The narcissistic parent targets their child as their prey and once they do, they will do anything in their power to keep their victim under their thumb. Keeping the child coming back for validation they never get allows the parent to stay in control. They spin the child in a never ending cycle of withholding love and giving superficial rewards.

Someone growing up with so much pain and tumult in their childhood obviously will bear subsequent emotional problems. Kathy Caprino, LMFT, explains the lasting negative effects of being raised by a narcissist:

• Not feeling valuable or "good enough"

• Being deeply afraid to speak up confidently or challenge others

• Over-attentiveness to what other people are feeling often resulting in an inability to protect themselves from others' emotions.

• Always feeling unsure of oneself

• Constant worry of what others think of them

• Deep insecurity stemming from a lack of unconditional love

• Forming relationships with other narcissists

From a Mind Map Perspective

The childhood wound begins when narcissistic parents do not show empathy to us and only seek their own personal gain. To paradigm shift out of the WTF repetition compulsion of going back to our abusers for healing, we need to think back on our experiences with abuse from childhood to the present. When we do not receive the unconditional love and empathy we need to form a healthy sense of security and self, we feel the need to go back to those who hurt us seeking the love we will never get. This only leads to chaos and breakdowns.

In order to stop the WTF and paradigm shift into a healthy way of living, we must see how the wounds of childhood are being recreated with the unhealthy parent in an attempt to heal. The first step to healing is to reflect on the effects of childhood narcissistic abuse and our past relationships for signs of narcissistic personalities. By doing this, we can take steps to heal those wounds, dismantle negative, false, self defeating core beliefs and attract relationships that are good for us. Instead of returning to the same, toxic type of people, we need to form new relationships with a consciousness of interconnection to achieve healthy love and genuine connection. The cycle cannot be broken unless we are able to recognize unhealthy relationships. Don't be afraid to be firm with yourself. It may seem like reverting to our old ways is the only solution, but it is not a solution at all. Just remember these words: hurters can't be healers.