Self-Abuse: WTFing Yourself

Upon hearing the word "abuse," the automatic thought goes to an abusive relationship, parental or romantic. But too often people forget to acknowledge the most important relationships in life: our relationships with ourselves. An abusive inner dialogue can be just as damaging. It is important to shed light on the impact of self-abuse. There are a few overarching themes that apply to almost every case of emotional self-abuse.

Theme #1: The Inner Critic

Often, we criticize ourselves more than anyone else. When we experience wounds early in life, we form negative core beliefs about ourselves. These beliefs haunt our thoughts, causing us to frequently talk ourselves down. For example, a negative core belief like "I'm not good enough" can lead to us to think "o don't deserve this raise" or "I don't deserve to be loved healthily by my partner" or "I can't do anything right."

Constantly hearing these negative things in our heads, unable to escape, can seriously damage our psyches. It is difficult to be happy when you are being held in a prison of self hatred by your own mind. Here are a few examples of inner criticisms from Adam Gilad at psychcentral.com so you can recognize unhealthy thoughts:

• "Why would I express my opinion? I'm an idiot. I don't know anything."
• "Why should I express my needs? I'm just being needy"
• "I opened my mouth and I made a fool out of myself. Better just keep my mouth shut."
• "I'm just being a baby. I'm too sensitive. I need to toughen up."
• "I have no right to seek out new friends. They won't like me anyway."
• "I don't have the right to dream. Who am i fooling? I'm not going to achieve it anyway."
• "My body is awful. Nobody would want me."
• "It's my fault (the other person) is unhappy"
• "I don't deserve compassion. I brought it on myself!"
• "So what if I say I'm stupid or worthless? I am. I'm just being honest."

Theme #2: Would you say that to your loved one?

After seeing those examples, let's all recognize them for what they are: mean. Now, would it be acceptable for anyone to say those things to their sweet old grandmother? Their best friend? Their parents? Their husband or wife? Their child? Absolutely not. And it is never ok to say those things to yourself.

We've all heard the saying "treat others the way you want to be treated." It is just as important to treat yourself the way you treat others. You must learn to treat yourself as gently as you would treat a loved one. Considering yourself a loved one is a goal you can work towards. You deserve to be respected and appreciated by others, so don't let your own thoughts bully you!

Theme #3: Self-compassion

Along with asking ourselves if our inner dialogue could be applied to our loved ones, we also need to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff defines it in three components:

• Self-kindness: being understanding and warm to ourselves when we fail or make mistakes
• Common humanity: recognizing that suffering and setbacks are normal and coveted parts of life that everyone will encounter
• Mindfulness: observing our emotions in a nonjudgmental manner

Practicing self-compassion is a labor of love. Like breaking any habit, stopping negative self-talk isn't a quick process. It takes patience and commitment. There will be times when the task may seem impossible, or relapses occur. You don't need to beat yourself up if you don't immediately succeed. The goal is to be forgiving of ourselves!

From A Mind Map Perspective

An abusive inner critic develops as a result of our early childhood experiences. When we suffer one of the five childhood wounds (neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, smothering), we develop negative core beliefs about ourselves such as "I don't deserve happiness" or "I'm not good enough." From the core beliefs, our minds can form strong guards to keep the mind safe, such as saying negative things to ourselves when we expect others to criticize us just to beat them to the chase.

However, these defenses can be just as harmful to us as the initial wound. If our inner dialogue becomes so negative and hateful that it harms us, we need to take steps to improve our relationships with ourselves.  Breaking the WTF (What The Freud) cycle of self-hatred can be hard, just like breaking any habit, but it needs to be done to paradigm shift into a happier, healthier life.

Committing to self-compassion, stopping the negative thoughts at the source, and never giving up can truly turn your life around. Healthy relationships with ourselves lead to the building of healthy relationships with those around us, allowing love to play a bigger role in our lives. And nothing heals our hearts and minds better than love!