Often, people find themselves trapped in abusive relationships. It is very common to fall down the rabbit hole of a toxic person’s design. In these situations, a psychological phenomena called Trauma Bonding entangles the victim so it may seem impossible to escape. An abusive relationship may be difficult to spot from the inside, so it is critical to know the definition of trauma bonding and the characteristics of a relationship where it is at play.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, founder of the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals, developed the term “Trauma Bonding.” By his definition, Trauma Bonding is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.

Bonds take time to build. Day by day, they get stronger. Harder to break. Stronger bonds form in times of pain than in times of happiness. Abusers use this aspect of bonds to their advantage. They seek out people who they can manipulate into doing their bidding. Commonly, the people who end up in abusive relationships later in life are victims of childhood abuse. These victims subconsciously seek out the familiar, responding positively to toxic situations.

Sometimes victims are not even aware that what they are experiencing counts as abuse. Here is how to tell if you might be trapped in a dangerous situation like this according to Shahida Arabi at thoughtcatalog.com:

  • You are aware of toxic actions, but you can’t seem to let go.
  • You are loyal to a fault and are eager to please the other person even when they only reward you with pain.
  • You are at the brink of self-destruction.
  • You forget your worth and value – you’re willing to lower your standards for the toxic individual.
  • You feel addicted, losing far more than you gain.

It may be hard to believe that a person can be just as addicting as a drug. Abusers use many techniques to entangle their victims including: control, intermittent love, and gaslighting (manipulating someone psychologically into questioning their own memory, perception, and sanity). Sadly for many victims of trauma bonding, addiction to a toxic person shackles them just as tightly as an alcoholic is shackled to their drinks or a smoker to their cigarettes. Thus, escaping seems like a mountainous task.

Shannon Thomas, author of “Healing From Hidden Abuse,” speaks on the addictive qualities of a psychologically abusive relationship. She says “when we’re looking for something we want, that we once had, which is a connection with somebody, and they are playing cat and mouse where they are pulling it back and forth, then the body really does become dependent on that approval.”  It is similar to a rollercoaster with emotional punishment bringing high levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and then dopamine (the reward hormone) after intermittent love.

The bodily manifestations of this type of addiction are chronic pain, migraines, arthritic type pains and conditions, and an immune system that cannot fight infection as effectively. Nobody deserves to receive anguish in return for giving nothing but love. In order to begin to shift out of a trauma bond, the victim must realize that they are not at fault for getting into a toxic situation. It was the abuser that sought out someone strong enough to constantly give themselves to others.

From A Mind Map Perspective

Trauma bonding starts with parental bonding gone wrong. In order to paradigm shift out of the cycle of abuse, we need to examine our experiences with our abusers, from childhood to the present. When we do not receive the necessary emotional ingredients for a healthy mind in early life, we tend to develop addictive tendencies with toxic people, and are more likely to revert back to the same cycles with different abusers. The WTF (What The Freud), i.e. the repetition compulsion, repeats with the abuser in an attempt to resolve the deep wounds of childhood. When we are wounded, we tend to look for similar dysfunction that will replay the patterns that became so familiar.

In order to break the bond to the abuser, we need to identify the specific wounds and relationship patterns that keep us returning to the perpetrator. Through learning about healthy interconnecting, we will be able to set healthy boundaries and protect ourselves from perpetrators who wish to exploit us for personal gain. As a victim, it is important to equip yourself with the tools to recognize unhealthy relationships, end them, and begin to form authentically loving relationships with those around you. Only through real, positive interpersonal connections and most importantly, learning to love ourselves, can healing begin.