I wanna leave. I know it's the right thing to do. But every time I try to leave, something gets in the way.

What keeps people stuck in a relationship is not necessarily logical. It's psychological — meaning the logic of the psyche, which also makes you feel psycho. Let's get back to the logic for a minute. Some of it is logical. Perhaps you are married to the person and share community property. That's logical. Perhaps you have children together and don't want to share custody. That's logical. Perhaps you have mutual friends and interests you've been engaged in for years. That's logical.

What's beneath the surface — that's not logical — is a bond that is harder to break than withdrawing from a highly addictive drug like heroin. As we all know, heroin is addictive, and once the withdrawal symptoms start, you want to mitigate the damages by feeding the body the very thing that hurts it and yet calms the withdrawal symptoms. What I'm talking about here is a trauma bond.

A trauma bond is not a healthy bond. It's a bond predicated on core childhood wounds, usually in the form of abandonment wounds. No matter what the logical desire dictates, the trauma bond keeps you breaking the very bond that keeps you.

The Be The Cause® Mind Map: Why You're Here

Why would you even be in this trauma bond? To answer that, I refer to the [Be The Cause® Mind Map](/the-be-the-cause-mind-map-how-to-decode-your-patterns-in-9-panels) — a system of healing predicated on childhood wounds: how they encode you, how you repeat the encoding in relationships, and how these relationships continue to feed the fantasy that eventually the person — usually the narcissist — will come around and be the healer of your wounds.

The fantasy is just that. Because on the other end of your wound is a wound that the narcissist has incurred. That wound fits hand-in-glove into your wound and creates the perfect storm.

When you blueprint after your family of origin, two things happen. First, you think you have found home — a familiar place, even if it's not nourishing or secure. The familiarity resonates with you, just like your family of origin did.

To make matters worse, the whole system is predicated on intermittent reinforcement — or as I like to call it, the dangling carrot schedule. You might get a little bitter morsel of it, but you have to work really hard to get that carrot. The more you chase, the further the carrot gets away. The further it gets, the more you chase and invest in this non-nourishing relationship.

To make matters even worse, this non-nourishing relationship reinforces negative core beliefs that you bought into as a result of how you were treated in your family environment. Core beliefs like: *you're not lovable*, *you don't matter*, *you will never be important enough to be number one*. These core beliefs keep the chase going because if you finally "land the carrot" — either the narcissist changes or you finally get their love — then supposedly your core belief will stop hurting and finally heal.

It doesn't work that way. Horrible beliefs get reinforced by toxic narcissistic relationships. They don't get healed by them. The more you invest, the harder it is to exit.

Overt and Covert: The Two Faces of Narcissism

Narcissists can be overt and obvious — grandiose, dominating, clearly self-centered. Or they can be covert — shy, vulnerable, playing the victim, using passive-aggressive tactics that leave you feeling confused and depleted. The covert narcissist is harder to spot. They vampire your energy quietly, leaving you exhausted without knowing why.

It takes an expert to understand the manipulative tactics they use. The gaslighting. The projection. The subtle digs that make you question your worth. Whether overt or covert, the mechanism is the same: they feed on your energy to fill their own emptiness.

The Hole in the Soul

Both parties have a hole in the soul — the victim and the narcissist. Until that abandonment wound is healed, until the narcissistic defenses covering up the pain of the narcissist are dealt with, the pattern from both sides will continue.

You attract each other because your wounds fit. But wounds cannot heal wounds. Only healing heals.

The 3 Stages of Trauma Bonding

Stage 1: Love Bombing — They idealize you. You feel "finally seen." The attention is intoxicating. You think you've found your soulmate.

Stage 2: Devaluation — The criticism begins. Gaslighting. You chase their approval. You work harder. You try to get back to Stage 1.

Stage 3: Discard — They pull away. You panic. You chase harder. The cycle repeats.

Each round, the bond gets stronger. You're not weak. You're neurologically hooked.

Why You Can't "Just Leave"

People say "just leave." They don't understand:

• Your nervous system is addicted to the cycle
• Your childhood wound is activated — this feels like "home"
• You believe you're the problem (the gaslighting worked)
• You keep thinking "this time will be different"

Leaving isn't a decision. It's a detox.

The No-Contact Rule (Your Brain Needs This)

When withdrawing from a toxic bond, it is critical not to hear their voice, not to see them, not to smell them, not to engage any of your five senses with them.

Block them on your phone. Delete their number. Block on all platforms.

No social media checking. No "just looking" at their profile. No mutual friend updates. Every contact reactivates the addiction. Every "check-in" resets the clock.

No "closure" conversations. There is no closure with a narcissist. Only more manipulation.

No asking about them. What they're doing is not your business. Your healing is.

Your brain needs the detox. Give it time.

Gaslighting: The Mind Control

Gaslighting is a term used to describe a way of treatment that makes you doubt your own mind. When you are being gaslit, you don't know whether to believe the lie of the person gaslighting you or to trust your own mind. Because you don't want to see the other as the bad liar, the tendency is to toss aside your own good judgment and allow their framing of reality to supersede your own — that is, if you have any left after the experience.

As you continue to question yourself, you delay leaving the toxic relationship and give yourself an excuse to stay. *Maybe they were right after all. Maybe I did deserve the treatment I received.*

You didn't. You don't.

Flying Monkeys: The Narcissist's Army

What makes matters worse is when the narcissist employs or enlists flying monkeys — a term borrowed from Frank L. Baum's *The Wizard of Oz*. Flying monkeys are those people who do the bidding for the narcissist and keep you in a state of doubting your own mind. The flying monkey's job is to destroy the truth and to confirm the worldview of the narcissist so that you have no enlightened witnesses around you to reflect back the insanity of the situation.

The False Promise of Change

Even when you think you have left the narcissistic toxic system, all it takes is for them to return and promise to change their ways. Because of the desire to be loved and repair the broken bond, it's easy for the person to sneak back into your system and sabotage your attempt to break free.

It takes a lot of work for both parties to heal, and a simple promise to change is not enough to actually make the change. There are two people who are unhealed engaging in this horrible game of life — what I refer to as the *What the Freud!* repetition principle. Dr. Sigmund Freud referred to that which compels us to repeat old patterns until we heal.

A Common Therapeutic Mistake

A common therapeutic mistake is to think that behavioral or cognitive changes are going to make a significant difference. Please note: it's only by healing the blueprint — the wounds of childhood — that the template can shift and make room for healing.

You don't heal by changing behaviors. You heal by rewiring the blueprint.

What's Ahead for You

What's ahead for you is something maybe you have never had — secure attachment. Attachment to somebody that will actually add to your life. A synergistic partner that can truly be a growth partner for you. Someone that adds value as you add value to their life as well.

This is possible. But only after you heal the hole in your soul. Only after you stop chasing the dangling carrot and start nourishing yourself.

Your Next Step

If you are stuck in a narcissistic toxic bond, please seek help before the demeaning, the devaluing, and the destroying situation consumes your self-esteem, destroys your mind, and takes a toll on your body. Remember: mind and body are intricately interconnected.

At the Psychological Healing Center, we specialize in healing from narcissistic abuse. We have plans that include psychoeducational videos, books, and journals to guide you through this journey, along with trained professionals who specialize in this area.

Ready to break the trauma bond and return to your authentic self?

[Schedule your free 15-minute consultation →](/#contact)

You don't have to do this alone. We'll stand by you as you take the journey back to yourself.