A recent wave of therapeutic techniques brought a new way of thinking called “The Law of Attraction” into the limelight. The Law of Attraction is a theory that states that positive thinking attracts positive life events into our lives. In an article by D. B. Dillard-Wright Ph.D., “The Law of Attraction,” he details that “thought is held to have a magnetic power, such that whatever we habitually think becomes reality. Even more powerful than thought is the emotional valence behind the words: the feelings that we project into the Universe (or God, or the subconscious) return to us… We can change our lives by persistently thinking positively, and even call things into being by truly believing that they will come into our lives.” It is a hope-inspiring notion. If you simply visualize the things you want in life, they will fall into your lap.
There is a fair amount of truth to the theory. D. B. Dillard-Wright aptly remarks that “without the expectation of good things that will happen in the near future, we lack the basic hopefulness necessary to get out of bed in the morning.” It is incorrect to think that constantly expecting the worst will bring good things into our lives. In order to have the motivation to maintain goals and work towards them, we need to be hopeful that we can achieve them. Why would anyone waste their time trying to reach their dreams if we were not blessed with wishfulness? Promoting positive thinking and attitudes about life is very useful in this way, but there is a limit to what it can do. No one can just sit back and expect their thoughts to materialize out of thin air.
Achievements come from a combination of positive thoughts and active effort. If you wish and wish for a relationship or a career opportunity to come into your life, you may accept anything that comes your way, whether it is good for you or not. When you let negative things into your life, it is important to realize the limits of the Law of Attraction and utilize the Law of Allowance.
The Law of Allowance
The Law of Allowance means welcoming positive things while not allowing negative things into your life. An important thing to remember is to practice good judgement upon the things we attract into our lives. You need to give things time and the opportunity to unfold and really understand what it is you have allowed into your life. We can use the function of a cell membrane as a psychological metaphor for the Law of Allowance. Cell membranes can let in or shut out nutrients and toxins with the power to regulate what how much they let in or out. Similarly, you can adjust boundaries day-to-day based on your psychological needs, much like a cell shutting down its membranes to block toxins from entering its walls. Boundaries apply to many aspects of our lives.
Linda Esposito, LCSW outlined many different types of boundaries that reach every part of our lives:
- “Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you capable of having an open mind and a flexible attitude? Signs of weak mental boundaries include reacting in an overly emotional manner, such as being defensive, rigid, and combative.
- Emotional boundaries exist when you can withstand different opinions from yours. Healthy emotional boundaries suggest you don’t need to dispense advice or try and “fix” someone else’s problems. You also recognize that you’re not to blame when other people get upset. You don’t let guilt get in the way of your decisions, because you recognize that you have a choice in every situation and relationship.
- Financial boundaries include how you spend, save, give, and budget money, and how and what you dole out on material goods and experiences.
- Moral boundaries exist when you know what behaviors align with your core values. For example, not accepting intolerant attitudes from others, or refusing to put up with lying and cheating.
- Sexual boundaries mean you understand your comfort level around physical touch, intimacy, and sexual behaviors.
- Spiritual boundaries define your religious beliefs (or lack thereof), whether this pertains to God, another deity, or a supernatural being.”
Boundaries are necessary to keep the relationships in your life healthy and positive. An important part of setting boundaries is accepting that not everyone is going to like your boundaries. You do not exist to please other people and you should not set loose boundaries just to please people. Here are some things to keep in mind while setting boundaries:
- Think about what is good and healthy for you, not anyone else.
- Find what works for you and stick to it.
- Boundaries can be adjusted based on your needs.
- Listen to your gut.
- You are not stuck with your partner or that job, you have options!
From A Mind Map Perspective
Forming bad boundaries starts with a lack of the mental ingredients we need to form a healthy sense of self early on in life. Based on what childhood wound we suffer, our mind forms unhealthy habits to deal with our inner pain. The first allowance is allowing our parents to define us. Negative core beliefs encode in our brains such as “I’m stupid” or “I’m unlovable.” When we encode these negative thoughts, our boundaries towards ourselves are being violated by allowing the past to infiltrate our present and rule our lives. As a result of these kinds of unhealthy structures, chaos ensues. As a defense, you could build insurmountable walls that isolate you and put you in a lonely psychological prison just to feel safe. You could also have no walls and get psychologically flooded, with no sense of self and your emotions constantly in flux.
Whatever defense mechanism you have allowed to take root in your life soon will show just how dysfunctional it is sooner or later, perhaps in the form of a breakdown. If you don’t allow in the right elements to feed your soul, your defenses will break down. However. if we form better boundaries, we are less prone to breaking down. Looking back on the causes of your pain and discerning the things you need to feed your soul will help you to find what boundaries work for you and maximize your happiness.
