Ah, love. Love is a beautiful journey that so many couples get to experience together. But it is rarely the cakewalk many people expect it to be. To be frank, love hurts. The reality is couples fight. They get on each other’s nerves, hurt each other’s feelings, and trigger each other in too many ways to count. But are couples who fight any less in love?
The answer is no. It is not their fault they butt heads with their partner, and having frequent squabbles doesn’t mean that breakup is imminent (depending on the situation of course). Couples fight because there are perceived inequalities or certain actions set off emotional triggers in the other person.
The Balancing Act
Rob Pascal and Lou Primavera PhD explain in their article, “Conflict in Relationships,” a relationship is a form of a barter system. Though we may not like to admit it, when we do things for our partners, we expect something in return. A relationship is all about balance. When one the the scale teeters back and forth, arguments ensue.
Although arguing may be unpleasant, it is important to look at the bright side. A confrontation is an opportunity to express the way you feel and reach a meaningful resolution. When we keep things that we are upset about inside, it cannot be fixed. It does not help our relationship, our partner, and, most importantly, it contributes to our own unhappiness.
Sensitive Subjects
The second cause of arguing is setting off an emotional trigger. An emotional trigger is something that triggers someone to relive a trauma resulting in varying negative reactions.
The 5 most common hidden triggers according to Thomas G. Fiffer:
- The Respect Trigger: Dismissing your partner’s complaints or opinions
“No matter how minor or irrational the issue seems to you, ignoring or minimizing, cutting your partner off mid-sentence, countering with your own complaint or opinion, or worst of all calling your partner crazy will trigger the feeling that you don’t respect your partner. It doesn’t matter if you do respect your partner. And it doesn’t matter what you did yesterday to show it… The best way to avoid the respect trigger is to equate respect with listening and realize that you don’t have to agree to respect your partner’s position.”
- The Value Trigger: Coming across as inconsiderate
Being forgetful, inattentive, or unconcerned with your partner’s emotional state, failing to give recognition, or taking anything your partner does for you for granted triggers the feeling that you don’t value or appreciate your partner… you’re not the judge of how devalued your partner feels, nor have you factored in the cumulative impact of dozens or hundreds of devaluing incidents… The best way to avoid the value trigger is to reframe your decision-making. Instead of asking yourself, does this matter to my partner, ask yourself, does my partner matter to me?”
- The Resentment Trigger: Dumping responsibility on your partner
If you consistently leave all the heavy lifting—emotional, financial, and social—or even all the lightweight stuff to your partner, don’t be surprised if you eventually get a barbell dropped on your head. Whether you claim ignorance, deftly praise your partner as being better at things you’d rather not do, or make no overt demands but brim with silent expectations, you’re causing frustration and triggering resentment in your partner for always having to be the responsible killjoy… Responsibility is rarely shared 50/50 in relationships, but both partners must come to the table and contribute… The best way to avoid the resentment trigger is to stop thinking about what you can get out of and start putting in as much as you get out.”
- The Stagnation Trigger: Repeating mistakes without learning or growing
Relationships thrive on growth and evolution, and successful relationships don’t look the same as they did 10 years ago or even 10 days ago. When one partner stagnates, the other grows apart simply by continuing to grow… If you repeat the same mistakes, or dig your heels in and resist change, you trigger fear in your partner that the relationship is stagnating… The best way to avoid the stagnation trigger is to adopt the practices of self-improvement and relationship improvement. Ask yourself each day, how can I be just a little better, and how can I make my relationship just a little better, too.”
- The Despair Trigger: The “quadruple whammy”
When the first four triggers are set off consistently, dysfunctional patterns of conflict such as the endless argument take root and begin to corrupt your relationship dynamic. Essentially, everything goes to shit… you trigger despair in your partner when you prove, through inaction, that things are not going to get better any time soon, if ever… despair leaves the need for happiness and fulfillment unmet, and unmet needs are relationship kryptonite.”
From A Mind Map Perspective
When in an intimate relationship, past wounds from childhood get reactivated within the relationship and play out.These replays of the past spiral down into chaos, defenses, and eventually can destroy the relationship.
To get on the same path again, both people need to know how to recognize old patterns and break the WTF (What The Freud) cycle of repetition. Know that as you go from the problem, through the process, and to the solution, you will find yourself seeing your relationship dynamics from a fresh and empathic perspective and have the tools to finally shift out of the dysfunctional, disconnected old relationship and into a sustainable, interconnected one.
