Divorcing a narcissist is never going to be a walk in the park! In fact, it will probably feel more like being stamped on and robbed in the dark!
This may be the reason that so many choose to remain living under the dark cloud and oppressive system that being with a narcissist entails, instead.
However, for many, there comes a certain moment where the victim declares ‘enough is enough’, or, ‘there is just no other option for me’. When this kind of rock bottom is reached, the fear of the narcissistic partners reaction is finally a little bit less powerful than the desire to be free.
In order to successfully navigate through a divorce with a narcissist, it is important to make sure you are fully aware of what is really going on. The end of the marriage for a narcissist will incite various forms of narcissistic rage.
For the narcissist, there is no desire for a win-win result or an amicable separation (unless it means they are benefitting more than you as a result). Why is this?
Well, in order to really understand the divorce through the narcissists lens, we must return to the playground in childhood.
Narcissists are emotionally/developmentally stunted at toddler age. They can only respond as a very young child would to having his/her toy taken away.
There are a range of possible responses therefor but generally one can expect tantrums (playing the victim); silent treatments; or even pretending to be delighted! You will notice how each of these is actually a means of maintaining control by attempting to reassert power over the real victim and dictating the narrative.
For narcissists it is simply about winning! It is not about fair and equal benefit. The sole aim is to take and to see your reaction to their unfairness and ruthless lack of care. You have become the opponent in a game, the enemy to be left quivering on the battle field.
Granted, most of us like to win or at least, desire to work hard at something and to be rewarded for having earned the win fairly. We wouldn’t be looking to stoop to manipulation, cheating, lying in order to attain victory as that would just not sit right with our conscience.
Dr Tara Palmattier (et.al 2016) suggests that there are 4 main reasons why someone would not feel guilty about winning by using covert tactics:
- Victimhood: When the person believes that they have been treated unjustly/unfairly and are owed compensation for this. It is a revenge fuelled reasoning.
- Entitlement: Just because I am more special, I should get more without having to earn it.
- Control: A desire to control other people’s experience so that you can keep them from feeling good.
- Emotional reasoning: Using feelings of resentment to justify actions/lack of empathy.
John Karpman’s the ‘drama triangle’ of dysfunctional relationships is relevant here. He suggests that in dysfunctional relationships there are 3 roles that interact with each other in order to maintain the dysfunction:
Victim; Persecutor and Rescuer.
Each of these roles is in itself highly toxic! So when divorcing a narcissist, they will most certainly strive to present and convince others that they are the victim and you the persecutor.
In order to do so they will employ any of the underhand tactics mentioned previously (lying, cheating, stealing, gaslighting, alienation, baiting etc.).
The most shocking thing about all this is, however, that narcissists would prefer to use those underhand tactics! Why?
Well the narcissistic supply is in the power and control over you.
If they can ‘take’ from you when they don’t deserve it/haven’t earned it/it is unfair to you, then the pain they cause you is what makes them feel powerful.
They are able to demonstrate their dominance over you with such astonishing audacity that it leaves victims lost for words and liable to react in frustration and disbelief.
This reaction is what they are waiting for as it suggests to others that you are not the stable one and that they have in fact been the victim all along.
Dr Judy recommends the following to ensure that you are fully prepared before announcing your intentions to divorce:
- Get a good lawyer in place and preferably one that is aware of the dynamic with a narcissist. This may mean paying a higher fee but this will be deducted from your mutual funds as you are married, not just from your own pocket.
- Create a paper trail. In other words, keep a diary of sorts that keeps a record of abuses/rages/actions etc. especially towards to your children. This is vital as it may serve as evidence in court.
- It is important also to make sure that you have the emotional support you need, from someone you trust, as you go through this. Ideally this would be a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse and can help you to see through the gaslighting and manipulation as the divorce progresses.
- To begin to take charge of your life by making an inner journey (the Mind Map is highly recommended for this as it is a tried and tested path) so that you can understand your own part in the dance with a narcissist. In this way you will not only be healing yourself but also be a role model for your children (if you have any).
- Make sure to look after yourself physically. Instead of throwing in the towel and letting the drama overtake you, put in place a daily routine that includes exercise, fresh air and healthy food. This can really help with your confidence and sense of stability despite everything else feeling like it is falling apart.
- Write a list of all the reasons you are choosing to leave your spouse. You will need to revisit this list when tempted to only remember the ‘good times’. The good times were to set you up for the discard and to cement the trauma-bond. It is vital to be aware of the potential withdrawal you will experience as well as feelings of guilt and self-doubt that will inevitably arise. In this case, a helpful mantra to repeat is ‘Keep moving forward…’.
In summary, choosing to divorce a narcissist will incite narcissistic rage on the part of the narcissist. It is important to be fully prepared for the fall out which will occur and the power play at work. The narcissist will want to be the one who discards you and not the other way round. Likewise, they will want to be seen as the victim.
In order to go through this extremely traumatic process, it is key to seek the support you need and to remind yourself daily of your ‘why’.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, New York, Basic Books. Bretherton, I.
Gerson, G. (2023) Individuality and ideology in British object relations theory. S.l.: ROUTLEDGE.
Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. (26), 39-43.
Kernberg, O.F. (2004) Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Palmatier, T. and Elam, P. (2016) Say goodbye to crazy: How to get rid of his crazy ex and restore sanity to your life. North Charleston, SC: Tara Palmatier.
Rosenberg, J. (2015) Be the cause: Healing human disconnect. United States: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Slee, P.T. and Shute, R.H. (2015) Child development: Theories and critical perspectives. East Sussex: Routledge.
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.