To attain what we deserve, there are a few conditions to consider. First, we must raise the bar on what we have previously settled for and do the work to release ourselves from old limitations. Next, it is incredibly important to establish boundaries for yourself and your peace, so that not just anyone can gain access to you. Then, when showing up in our relationships, knowing that love is to be earned is the key to maintaining these boundaries. This one may be an unpopular opinion for some who believe in the traditional idea of “unconditional love”. To simply put it, we cannot allow this idea of unconditional love to be a free pass for toxic behavior. Love is a verb. Love is to be earned.
When looking inward on our individual ideas of what we deserve, we must plant the seed of consciousness and be open to re-writing the un-serving narrative of what we once believed we deserved (or didn’t). This starts with our core beliefs, and this starts with our parents/ caretakers. Our caretakers set the bar in our childhood by the way they showed up for us, themselves, and the environment they created and allowed us to grow up in. For example, if a child is continuously neglected physically and emotionally, (whether it’s emotional validation and regulation, or even the basic needs, such as food/shelter/ safety), that child will internalize this neglect as a reflection of who they are. They will believe that they didn’t deserve to have their needs met, because ultimately, they aren’t good enough or worthy of having the love it takes to have these needs met. Whether we like it or not, these negative core beliefs follow us throughout our life and, if not addressed and shifted, will take embodiment through our relationships and the way we show up in the world. When our negative core beliefs are so deeply rooted, by default, our bar is set very low of what we believe we deserve as well as what we think we do not deserve, such as a healthy love where our needs can be met.
It is not uncommon for people with such negative core beliefs and low self-esteem to attract and find themselves attracted to the emotional vampires, or the narcissist. What we know about narcissism, is that it is also deeply rooted in childhood wounds and neglect. The constant need to hoard validation, reassurance, and attention, oftentimes at the cost of others, makes them especially attracted to people willing to give up parts of themselves to feed this ego, so long as it means this person will stick around. Both deeply rooted in abandonment wounds, the narcissist emotionally feeds off a person who doesn’t believe that they deserve any better.
Dr. Judy describes How to be a Vampire Slayer, in her book, Be The Cause; Healing Human Disconnect:
Besides sheer avoidance, you can protect your psyche by recognizing the gradual depletion of your energy and limiting your contact with that person(s). Good boundaries are key to making sure that you are able to screen and filter them out.
Selflessness, generosity, and altruism each have their limitations. You must make a sacred commitment to protect yourself from these invaders and balance your kindness, unselfishness, and nurturing with self-protection. Your best defense mechanism is to become like a semi-permeable cell-membrane, allowing in only good emotional nutrients and screening out the poison.
From a Mind Map Perspective
According to Dr. Judy, “In a synergistic relationship- the only kind that matters- it is important to develop a healthy me in order to come together as a healthy we”.
Once you plant that seed of consciousness, you begin to take inventory of the cause of these negative core beliefs. During this stage, expect discomfort and mental resistance. This resistance shows up when you challenge those negative core beliefs, because anything else (even when it’s more than what you think you deserve) challenges the familiar, therefore creates discomfort. Discomfort is essential to growth and evolution. Once you begin this process, it cannot be unlearned.
Embracing what you deserve may start to look like:
. Awareness of childhood wounds and clearing away the past from its hold on the now
. Healthier defense mechanisms
. Boundaries in place that protect your peace & overall well-being
. Rewritten core beliefs
. The ability to show up as a healthy me in relationships where you are not only able to give love, but be willing to receive the love you now know you deserve.
Once you shift into healing and become a whole, healthy me you will start to realize that you will attract others that show up whole and as their own version of a healthy me. You will learn to realize what you do/ and don’t deserve, but most importantly you will begin to embrace what you deserve.
