When I think of a narcissist, my mind produces a cartoonish image of someone staring in the mirror, stroking their reflection affectionately and constantly boasting their attributes to the world. However, narcissism doesn’t only affect cartoon characters. It lives in people all around us; it can affect our mothers, fathers, siblings, significant others, and even our children. But narcissism doesn’t just suddenly appear in someone as if written on a screenplay. There are certain things that make a narcissist the way they are that take hold gradually.
Is Narcissism A Choice?
Narcissism is not an innate disorder present when a baby is born. Rather, it is a result of childhood wounds and defensive adaptations. A variety of defense mechanisms can come out of early childhood wounds including self-abuse, the opposite of narcissism. But, according to Elinor Greenberg, PhD, sometimes, narcissism is “often the most productive and reasonable adaptation to some home situations is to become a Narcissist.” So in short, sometimes narcissism is the only reasonable way for a child to adapt to their situation.
What Characteristics Make A Narcissist?
The American Psychological Association defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) by the following telltale traits:
- A grandiose view of oneself
- Problems with empathy
- A sense of entitlement, and
- A need for admiration or attention
The nature of narcissism’s destruction is aptly described by Professor of Psychology, W. Kieth Campbell when he says “what makes these traits a true personality disorder is that they take over people’s lives and cause big problems. Imagine that instead of caring for your spouse or children, you use them as a source of attention or admiration. Or imagine that instead of seeking constructive feedback about your performance, you instead told everyone who tried to help you that they were wrong.” While the disorder is defined by the four traits mentioned above, it can take two very different forms according to mindfullness.org:
- The attention-seeking narcissist: People with grandiose narcissistic traits are recognizable by their pursuit of attention and power and status, often as politicians, celebrities, or cultural leaders. They are characterized by traits of extraversion and dominance.
- The quiet narcissist: Those with vulnerable narcissistic traits may be different than how we typically envision narcissism, appearing quiet and reserved. Although they possess a strong sense of entitlement, they can feel threatened easily.
What Makes A Narcissist?
According to Elinor Greenberg, PhD, many of the following different childhood situations can result in NPD:
“Scenario 1—Narcissistic Parental Values
In this situation the child is raised in a family that is very competitive and only rewards high achievement. One or both of the parents are narcissists. Love is conditional. No matter how much you achieve, the pressure is never off. Children in these families do not feel stably loved. The conditional love of their childhood and the over evaluation of high status and success in their home sets in motion a lifelong pattern of chasing success and confusing it with happiness.
Scenario 2: The Devaluing Narcissistic Parent
In this scenario there is a very domineering and devaluing parent who is always putting down the child. If there are two or more children, the parent will praise one and devalue the others. The “good one” can quickly become the “bad one” and suddenly a different sibling is elevated. Nobody in the family feels secure.
Children who grow up in these households are likely to react to their childhood situation in a few different ways.
The Defeated Child: Some of these children may spiral down into a self-hating shame-based depression, try to lose themselves in impulsive, addictive behaviors, and never achieve their potential because they have been convinced that they have none.
The Rebellious Child: These children overtly reject their parents’ message that they are “losers.” Proving they are special becomes a lifelong mission, while underneath there is always a harsh inner voice criticizing their every mistake—no matter how minor.
The Angry Child: These children grow up furious at the devaluing parent. Anyone who reminds them of their parent in any way becomes the target of their anger. It is not enough for them to achieve, they must destroy as well.
Scenario 3: ”The Golden Child”
These parents are usually closet Narcissists who are uncomfortable in the spotlight. Instead, they brag about their child. If children believe that their parents only value them because they are special, this can contribute to an underlying insecurity. This can lead them to keep striving for perfection. In this process, children may lose touch with their real selves and real likes and dislikes. Instead of exploring who they really are and where their true interests and talents lie, they can get off track entirely and spend their time only doing things that they are already good at and they think will get their parents’ approval. When this happens, the child then perceives any flaws as unacceptable and strives to be seen as perfect. It is a short hop, skip, and a jump from this to full blown Narcissism. Occasionally, these children do not become Narcissistic, and are embarrassed by the excessive praise that they receive. They feel burdened by the role that they are asked to play in the family.
Scenario 4: The Exhibitionist’s Admirer
Some children grow up in a Narcissistic household where there is an Exhibitionist Narcissist parent who rewards them with praise and attention as long as they admire and stay subservient to the parent. Their role in the family is to uncritically worship the greatness of their Narcissistic parent without ever trying to equal or surpass that parent’s achievements. This is an excellent way to create Covert or Closet Narcissists. The children learn that they will be given Narcissistic supplies—attention and praise—for not openly competing with the Narcissistic parent and that these supplies will be withheld and all their value in the family comes from acting as a support to the ego of the Exhibitionist parent.”
If you or someone you know has had similar experiences and exhibits the listed characteristics, you may want to look into psychological intervention.
From A Mind Map Perspective
In order to understand the mind of a narcissist, we need to understand that childhood is a hostage situation. During childhood, the parents are the ones that have the power to influence what their children come to believe about themselves. When a child does not receive the necessary ingredients for a healthy mind from their parent, the child develops negative core beliefs about themselves and the world. As these beliefs infect every aspect of their life, defense mechanisms kick in to protect the child’s already fragile mindset. Narcissistic Personality Disorder develops as a defense mechanism, especially in cases where the child has learned narcissistic tendencies from their parent/s.
