What should be a day that prompts a natural desire to give thanks for the one who brought you into the world and raised you, is for some, a day of obligation and pretend.
It doesn’t help that the media is wrought with messages such as: ‘you only have one mother’; ‘a mother’s hug lasts long after she lets go’ and ‘there is nothing as sincere as a mother’s kiss’. Our society, religious and cultural practices place mother on the throne.
How does the thought of Mother’s day make you feel? What are the instinctive reactions and emotions that arise in you? Perhaps you feel angry or perhaps even nothing at all!
The chances are that if you have any adverse reaction, you may have had a narcissistic or borderline mother.
So how are you to navigate Mother’s day with such external pressure from society and extended family/friends. How are you to say thank you and honour the woman who may have actually been the cause of so much suffering in your life and was in fact not nurturing, selfless and kind but rather rejecting, selfish and apathetic?
This is the reality for many daughters and sons when it comes to that particular day in the middle of May each year!
From your narcissistic mother’s perspective, she can’t wait to lap up your attention on Mother’s day (whether it is genuine or not), because officially she is given permission by society and everyone to expect you to adore/serve/placate her. The thing is, she expects this all the time not just on Mother’s day! It is always Mother’s day to her and the fact that everyone else is pressurising you to conform to honouring her on her throne, is just delightful supply!
She will make it well known that she is either expecting you to do something for her that day or she will pretend not to care at all and is not wanting you to ‘go out of your way’. However, behind the scenes, she will be expecting special treatment and attention. She will be seething with resentment if you don’t make this a special day as her façade as the ‘good mother’ depends on this! It also reflects her ability to control you.
These mother’s lack empathy and so it doesn’t matter whether you have a family of your own or not or whether you are living far away, they will absolutely be expecting your devotion that day, regardless of whether they let on to it or not.
If you don’t make much of the day and perhaps just drop off a card or give her a call, you may have a slightly hostile response which may not always be overtly detectable, but it will be there. And we know what happens when you cause a narcissistic injury: it leads to punishment. She may resort to one-upping you, picking on you or targeting your weakness in some way, for such a rejection of her. She will no doubt trigger in you a feeling of guilt and of not being good enough as a daughter/son.
This deep shame will be especially triggered when you see or sense the dissatisfaction or displeasure of your mother and this is key. It has the power to keep you in psychological prison all your life unless you dare to feel it and then see it for what it really is, not your conscience, but manipulation!
In childhood our subconscious mind encoded messages from our parental figures in order to know how to survive. As children we need to see that our mother is happy and that she is happy to be our mother, because if she is not then our very existence is threatened.
As a result we are on alert for messages about ourselves both positive and negative from her. However, it is the negative ones that we really internalise and believe must be true because mother thinks/says so. This is Panel 3 in the Mind Map which has the power to really bring out these encodings so that they begin to lose their power.
As a result of those negative encodings however, we developed a low self-esteem and an external locus of control that has us on the alert still for any signs of displeasure in Mother. This is Panel 4 which reveals the chaos that these lies have produced in our lives.
When we get to Panel 5 we begin to see how we learned that to displease mother was a highly dangerous/life threatening situation as we could be abandoned and left to fend alone without her. We adapted our behaviours to try to avoid this at all costs but also to cope with the eventuality of displeasing her! We turned to a substitute mother who would comfort us and restore calm but via addiction!
These same feelings are triggered in adulthood when around a narcissistic mother and she will use your fear and guilt to ensure she gets you to do what she wants, especially on Mother’s day.
Often other family members will join in on the guilt tripping by leaving you out of plans or lavishing mother with gifts while you have given only a little token. This sibling rivalry is a wonderful source of supply too for the narcissistic mother who thrives on seeing the competition to please her!
Everything about the day will be in her control, even when you have organised it. She will be looking to emotionally manipulate either by being on best behaviour of her worst. It can be confusing when these mother’s don’t act up or present as we expect! But this in itself is a manipulation ploy to keep you in self-doubt and is often a means to lure you back in to letting your guard and boundaries down.
The truth in all this is that as a daughter or son, you should not worry or feel anxious about interacting with your mother. It should be an encounter that is safe and still comforts you, that still encourages your independence and fosters a delight in who you are as an individual even in adulthood.
To be honest, I believe that underneath all the frustration and the anxiety of this day, there is a deep sadness at the loss of what could have been a wonderfully life giving relationship. It is important to acknowledge this sadness when Mother’s day comes around. It is more a day of unprocessed grief that is hidden behind all the obligation (gaslighting) of honouring someone who was unable and not interested in truly mothering you beyond what they could gain from it. May you use this loss as a catalyst to becoming the good enough mother to yourself, to your inner child by creating a safe-base within you!
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, New York, Basic Books. Bretherton, I.
Kernberg, O.F. (2004) Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Rosenberg, J. (2015) Be the cause: Healing human disconnect. United States: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.