When one partner is narcissistic or has narcissistic traits, it is very difficult to have a healthy, synergistic relationship.
The narcissistic defense is like a huge impenetrable wall. This wall makes it impossible for the narcissist to process feedback of any kind, which is experienced as extreme criticism. Without taking feedback and ownership, one can’t self reflect and self correct to modify behaviors to accommodate a relationship. To make matters worse instead of accepting responsibility, narcissists project their feelings onto others in a demeaning and destructive way. They have to win at all costs.
When most people make a mistake, it is easy enough to look in the mirror, take responsibility, and say “hey, my behavior was off and I would like to learn and grow and become a better person.” Because narcissists don’t take in feedback, they don’t make good growth partners.
The constant deflection away from their weak shame based inner core prevents them from interpreting feedback as a positive and worthy interaction. Any attempt to confront their behavior is seen as a personal attack, and therefore leads to conflict.
WHY THE NEED TO DEFEND?
In order to understand why the narcissist has to defend by walling up and projecting their feelings on others, we have to go to the cause of the problem. From a Mind Map perspective, the cause is always a system gone wrong, beginning with mother-infant and father-infant disconnect.
When parents put their own needs before the needs of the child, they create a narcissistic injury. This injury can come in the form of spoiling,emotional neglect and verbal abuse. Often the child is rewarded for pleasing their parents and criticized when they are not complying with their agenda.
The lack of parental empathy creates a feeling of worthlessness and a sense of feeling unlovable. To make matters worse these parents manipulate their children by spoiling and smothering them, inflating their sense of unearned entitlement . This creates a very unbalanced template for relationships.
When an entitled person meets a people pleaser, you would think that they would be a match made in heaven. Wrong. The people pleaser can never please enough, and the narcissist continues to vampire their partners energy. Ironically both parties don’t derive much fulfillment from the experience.
This lack of fulfillment on both ends occurs because both partners have what I refer to as a hole in the soul. The people pleaser lacks self-esteem, and needs to be validated by their partner, however, the pleasing is short-lived because the narcissist needs to be pleased yet again and again. With a hole in the soul, the pleasing is never taken in and appreciated, and the people pleaser is left feeling unappreciated.
Based on a family blueprint gone wrong, couples repeat the dynamics within the marriage and become mommy and daddy triggers for each other. Both partners feel disconnected and misunderstood in the experience.
SYNERGY
A healthy relationship is based on love and intimacy — narcissistically-based relationships are based on power and control. Power and control kill love and intimacy leaving the individuals feeling more alienated, misunderstood and worthless, repeating the damaging dynamics they felt in childhood.
In a relationship, narcissists present as apathetic and disconnected. If you listen to their speech, they talk in polarities like “always,” and “never” —it is always another person’s fault. It is never their fault and the partner ends up being the punching bag for their anger and disappointment in themselves.
Think about a toddler in the body of an adult. Self-centered, impatient and unable to manage their emotions, they throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way.
When children are involved, it is not uncommon for a narcissist partner to throw the other under the bus in front of the child or children. They may also rally others, known as flying monkeys to go against their partner in times of conflict. The more they are afraid the more they will power and control over their partner. As you see this power/control game does not make for a very good “we.”
In these high conflict relationships, other complications may come into play: drug use, infidelity, distorting reality or gaslighting their partner into believing lies and misperceptions while discounting actual facts.
OBJECTIFICATION
Typically the partner of the narcissist feels objectified. Sex may be just a motion they go through to fill their own needs rather than an expression of love and intimacy.
It’s important to understand that behind the mask of grandiosity and power and control, is an intense fear of being unmasked and discovered. Underneath it all the feelings of worthlessness needs to be shielded and deflected away from a weak inner core sense of self. Challenge the narcissist and you will find yourself demeaned, devalued, destroyed, and eventually discarded. The angry, hurt child has grown into a tyrant that has no ability to see eye to eyes with you and regard you as an equal partner.
A relationship is created by two healthy enough individuals who can receive and give love. Healthy people have good enough boundaries, and know when to say no. This is important, because a relationship requires the ability to know where one person begins, and the other ends. Because narcissists lack developmental maturity, the focus is on “me me me” and not WE.
