Narcissism, in the simplest of terms, is a system gone wrong. A person with narcissistic personality disorder carries an exaggerated sense of self-importance, with an unrealistic need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and, in turn, may find it near impossible to form and sustain healthy relationships.
These people crave power and control in their relationships to maintain their self-esteem façade.
Now, here is the question of the day. Are narcissists born or created?
Narcissism is a personality disorder that is a product of childhood wounds. Whether a parent significantly spoils their child or, on the other end of the spectrum, neglects or deprives a child’s basic needs, either of the extremes will have deleterious consequences on the psyche.
“Narcissists are injured souls who did not get “good enough” mothering” -Dr. Judy, Be the Cause: Healing Human Disconnect
After all, behind a narcissist’s façade of power and control, is their consciousness of fear. This includes fear of abandonment, loss of control, feeling powerless, but overall, feeling empty. These people will fill their cup with their partners until their relationship, and subsequently, the partner is left empty and often shattered.
This destructive dance of dating a narcissist includes four stages of the power and control cycle:
The first is idealization from the narcissist. This may look like flattery, generosity, adoration, charm, stories with the intent to receive pity, sympathy, making you feel special/ranking you above others, etc.
This will all feel great and will build you and the relationship up, until the narcissist, inevitably, begins to devalue you. This may look like insults, belittling, lies, criticizing, threats, gaslighting, minimizing, guilt, “silent treatment”, ambiguity, etc.
For a narcissist, relationships and their partners are viewed as an investment or, a means to supply and feed their ego. They will use their partner to feel worthy, valued, and irrationally important. Their main priority is gaining power and control, no matter the damage it causes to another and the relationship. Once your cup is empty and can’t pour into theirs, they soon will discard you and the relationship in search of a new “supply”.
Oftentimes, even when a narcissist discards or “ghosts” you, they may return, or hoover you back into their lives. Again, this is, and will always be an attempt to gain back their power and control.
From a Mind Map Perspective
The need for power and control for a narcissist is causal of deeply rooted insecurities and childhood wounds that center around fear of abandonment and helplessness.
“Parents do further sizable damage because most interactions come with strings attached. This teaches the child that love is conditional, that they “owe” something for a parent’s benevolence, and that they exist only for the benefit of the parent.” -Dr. Judy
In a relationship, each partner may trigger the other’s wounds and bring out the other’s destructive behaviors. On one hand, you have the narcissist who’ve we’ve gotten to know by now. This is the dominant one that acts out of their fear response and will do anything to regain power and control. On the other hand, this may attract a codependent personality, who also acts out of fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, and the fear of not being “good enough”.
Whichever side you may resonate with, it is important to dive into the cause of these patterns. Ending an unhealthy relationship is a start, but until you shift your consciousness to recognize your triggers/patterns and try to understand the why, you will most likely find yourself in similar situations and patterns. This dance of destruction goes nowhere and will inevitably end in chaos, defenses, and breakdowns.
