The thing about narcissistic mothers is that they are always communicating- regardless of whether they are speaking or even in your presence.
Why do I say this? Well, narcissistic mothers communicate without using words (indirectly) more than they do directly! In other words, instead of using words, they prefer to give you a hint.
For example, a particular client came to me recently expressing distress over the way her mother would purposefully greet her step siblings first before coming to greet her. Why?
Well, here we have a classic example of the ‘read between the lines’ method that narcissistic mothers use to control and manipulate their children. The message is, ‘you are not important to me as them’ and what this does is set up the earnest attempt by the child to try to win over the mother’s approval- somehow!
Narcissistic Mothers communicate with their children in such subtle ways that it often takes much reflection and work with a specialist to ‘hear’/‘see’ the behaviours for what they really are. It may take clients time to work out why they felt the way they did about something their mother did/did not do…
Another client recalled how when she was growing up, even when it was play time at home before dinner, Mum would be in the kitchen slamming around while cooking the dinner. These were traumatic times for my client who would feel compelled to rush in and help her mother who had communicated so subtly that she did not want to cook for her family. But there was an even deeper message that my client did not want to face which was that ‘this is a burden; being a mother is a burden; you are a burden to me’. All this without even saying a word.
Narcissistic mothers’ facial features and expressions are like silent weapons that they use to manipulate their children into submission. For example, as babies we seek out the eye contact, mirroring and warmth of our mothers in the attachment bond (Bowlby, 1958). But with a narcissistic mother, her eye contact is anything but safe. They often shoot the most deadly dirty looks at their children whenever they show signs of asserting themselves or if they have a different opinion or do not put the needs of their mother first. Some have even said that they can see the eyes of their mother turn a dark black when the mother is experiencing narcissistic rage. These steely looks speak a thousand words without saying anything at all.
Passive aggressive actions are another silent communication tactic. This is a manner of expressing anger in a covert way to gain power.
Another client recalled how her mother would always buy her clothes that were a bigger size and leave them out for her on her bed. This oh so subtle message is that you are big/overweight!
This same mother would make sure to bring her daughter lots of treats (fattening ones like chocolate and cakes etc.). The message? I want you to be fat, then I will be happy.
At birthdays and Christmas, narcissistic mothers are notorious for giving gifts with hidden meanings too. As narcissistic mothers are always in competition with their daughters, even when they have left home there may be unexpected gifts through the door or emails that have an underlying message which leaves her excusable/deniable. It can be so subtle that it takes a while to actually connect with why you feel uncomfortable with the gift!
A mother might send a magazine to her daughter that she says she thought she might enjoy reading. The cover says, ‘teachers needed urgently’. The daughter may have decided to leave the teaching profession to bravely follow her dreams and so the mother tries her best to disconcert the daughter, sowing seeds of doubt and impacting her oh so subtly without even being near or saying anything!
And so, what are the effects of this in adulthood? What is the Panel 4 Chaos which results?
- Daughters may be ultra-sensitive to the countenance of others. They may be prone to taking angry looks personally and be alert to anyone who may not like them.
- When someone treats them in a dismissive or unkind way, they will be drawn to trying to prove to that person that they are lovable.
- Especially with other women, daughters of narcissistic mothers may both feel like they are in competition with other women but also be trying to make themselves smaller than other women so as not to upset them.
- Daughters constantly feel unsafe and stressed out. They feel responsible if anything goes wrong and assume that it is their fault.
- They attract people who will use them to meet their own needs and not value them as they should be valued.
- Daughters may find themselves wanting to one up themselves over other women- this is what they learned female relationships to be.
- Daughters may not trust the motives of anyone – even those whom ‘love’ them.
- They are fearful of abandonment.
- They have a core of shame about themselves.
- They yearn all their lives to have a mother they can trust and look up to.
Through working the Mind Map clients are able to gain a healthy distance from the abuses (both verbal and non-verbal) present in the relationship with their mothers. It is vital also to work through Panels 4, 5 and 6 in order to understand how this toxic relationship has impacted not only one’s self image but also the image one has of others. By seeing the behaviours clearly and understanding the hidden messages, clients are able to distinguish the lies they internalised about themselves and begin to embrace the truth!
