When two people come together in a relationship, so do their wounds, triggers, and ways of coping. In order to create a synergistic relationship, two people must be willing to learn about, support, and accept each other as they come forth in a relationship. To show up for another in a relationship, one must show up first and foremost for themselves. But what happens when the overwhelm of emotional reaction creates a non-stop rollercoaster of chaos, defenses, & breakdowns? One moment you are fine, cruising on homeostasis, the next you are steaming because you didn’t like your partner’s “tone”. Here’s a psychological hint for you: big reactions to seemingly small incidents almost always come from unresolved trauma and/or disconnect.
If you find yourself or your partner consistently swinging moods of the extreme, not being able to justify a reaction to the cause, or either of you just feel completely impotent to the power of your thoughts/emotions, there may be emotional dysregulation at play.
It is important to understand the magnitude of emotional dysregulation to be able to identify these patterns within yourself and in others. These are not your typical mood swings or being classified as “sensitive”.
Emotional dysregulation refers to an uncontrollable emotional reaction that lacks regulation or the ability to self-soothe. This reaction typically scopes far beyond a traditionally acceptable range of emotional reactions.
From a physiological point of view, this dysregulation is considered a system gone wrong because the stress hormone system fails. This causes an excess of cortisol (stress hormone) in the body. This occurs when feelings of constant stress, panic, overwhelm, and dysregulation was modeled in childhood.
Symptoms of dysregulation include, but are not limited to self-damaging behaviors such as anger, depression, anxiety, violence, suicidal thoughts, self-mutilation, substance abuse, etc.
From a Mind Map Perspective:
Emotional dysregulation may be a sign of poor attachment in early life. When our parents fail to regulate emotions, we don’t learn how to do it for ourselves. Old, unprocessed feelings often lurk behind these un-regulated emotions.
Constant, unmanaged stress can have detrimental effects on a person and any relationship they attempt to have. It is key that you remain patient and gentle with yourself and acknowledge that this dysregulation is causal. With the help of Dr. Judy’s Mind Map system of healing approach, you will dive into the wounds of your past, through their dismantling effects on your intrapersonal/interpersonal relationship(s), to finally, paradigm-shifting you into healthier ways of coping and regulation.
From a Couple’s Therapy Perspective:
Communication is key to emotion regulation
While couple’s therapy is an effective approach when trying to work through things in a relationship, it is important to incorporate individual therapy in your plan. Often, our partners (who we typically invest the most in emotionally) unknowingly will re-trigger old wounds and negative core beliefs that we aren’t conscious of yet. Cue the “over-reactions” and dysregulation. Dr. Judy suggests that couples prioritize at least 10 individual sessions per person and 5 couple’s therapy sessions, to ensure that you have set your consciousness to unravel the cause of the disconnect within yourself, to better articulate and understand each other when joining together.
“Disconnection is inflammatory, connection is deflammatory” – Dr. Judy
