Coronavirus: A Global Wound
We have a global wound: coronavirus. We can’t fight or flee, so we feel stuck. When we are thrown into crisis, our negative core beliefs such as “I will never be safe” or “nothing good happens to me” get triggered. Because we are so isolated, we may tend to project our feelings onto our partner. We no longer have the gym, or the movies, or gatherings with friends to decompress. All we have in front of us is the person we are living with. In the pressure cooker of isolation, relationships breakdown.
Like any other trigger, the global crisis can cause us to go into defenses, chaos, and breakdowns. We utilize unhealthy defense mechanisms such as drinking, using drugs, or even excessive online shopping. All of these things can create a blowout with your partner. Do not hold on to angry feelings and do something to take out your emotional garbage and release your anger.
The Four Horsemen
In an article by Ellie Lisitsa, “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling,” she examines the four indicators, originally outlined by Dr. John Gottman, that a relationship may be falling apart.
1. “Criticism
Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize. The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing:
- Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
- Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”
If you find that you and your partner are critical of each other, don’t assume your relationship is doomed to fail. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often eventually leads to contempt.
2. Contempt
The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner—which come to a head when the perpetrator attacks the accused from a position of relative superiority.
Research even shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems!
3. Defensiveness
The third horseman is defensiveness, and it is typically a response to criticism. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally. If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break.”
We want to avoid exploding on our partners. Now is the time to work on connection and communication. We must invest in building our peaceful healing dialogue skill and self care. Take up an activity that allows you to release your anger: exercising, art, cooking, you name it. You must be able to psychologically unload to avoid conflict.
From a Mind Map Perspective
If you are in a relationship with someone who devalues you and wreaks havoc on your psyche, especially if you are quarantining with them, focus on self care and healing your own wounds until you can get out of that situation. You can do this through mind mapping your childhood wounds, recognizing the negative core beliefs that were born out of them, and working on internally dismantling them. Realizing that those negative core beliefs are lies and that you are worthy of good treatment and healthy love can help you to survive an emotionally destructive relationship until you can separate yourself. You will not be as susceptible to internal chaos and breakdowns. You can think about this person as a kind of virus. They have a psychovirus. The harder you work on yourself to dismantle the lies and faults in perception, the more you become immune to the virus infecting you. It is an insanely tough situation, but you can get through to the other side and heal fully.
