According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word synergistic refers to the following:
‘Relating to the interaction or cooperation of two or more organizations, substances, or other agents to produce a combined effect greater than the sum of their separate effects’.
When we use the word ‘synergistic’ in reference to childhood wounds, we are referring therefore to not only being deeply wounded by one parent in a particular manner or with a particular intent, but by both!
In other words, both parents are wounding their child in the same way: they are synergistic. It is as if both parents are bullies on the same team and to a child, the impact of this is unthinkable.
It is, as Dr Judy terms, the ‘double dungeon of darkness’.
It is bad enough when one parent is the perpetrator, but when both are committing the same abuses, there is absolutely no where for the child to turn and, most importantly, no safety.
The child is cast out on it’s own, attacked or mistreated by both parents, and left to fend for itself in a very scary world. This zaps the light in the child and catapults them into darkness. The only place to go is within, but of course, with only a fragile/developing sense of self, there is an emptiness there too and no soothing to be found.
No body is there to offer empathy or understanding which gives rise to a permanent state of anxiety and depression and is the root cause of CPTSD symptoms.
Why would parents do this? Why would they gang up against their child?
Well, it is not dissimilar as to why people bully others in groups! It is often a sense of being united or bonded.
Thus, in a loveless, disconnected marriage, parents may find that momentarily their bond is restored with each other when they take the same side against their child.
That is only one suggestion though. Another is that both are simply so resentful of the marriage that they express their frustration and loathing with each other by rejecting their children, together! It is a mutual projection of self loathing.
This scapegoating of the child becomes a means of emotional regulation for the parents, while the child is left outcast and alone.
The deep loneliness that results from such an experience as this is particularly damaging. It means that there will be a vulnerability to either becoming like the parents (in a bid to join ranks and be accepted that way) or to become co-dependent (trying to please others in order to avoid rejection).
So how can we begin to heal from this?
The Mind Map is a powerful means of rectifying this appalling disorder in the family system.
The first 3 panels go straight to the wounds of double rejection by drawing out the internalised beliefs that were ingested as a result. These lies are brought out into the light and debunked. Sometimes for the first time ever, the inner child experiences some empathy and someone being on their side!
Once Panel 6 has released the toxic build up of resentment, rage and disempowerment there is real sense of having stood up for yourself in times where you never could as a child.
However, the work has really only just begun because the lack of being able to trust anyone or to feel safe in relationships will no doubt be a feature of the present. In other words, we need to see how we have put on the cracked lens of perception and are still viewing others through that gaze.
On page 84 of Dr Judy’s book there is a very helpful tool which enables readers to make the links between their emotional triggers, the cause in childhood, and the reaction in themselves today.
It is a process of identifying ‘it’, not with ‘it’. It is about knowing ones core wounding, seeing how it has been activated and then responding rather than fighting/flighting/fawning. We get to be the change of the multigenerational sickness by this awareness and realise that we have the choice to see things through our wounds or through our healed selves.
The entire process is about getting to the point where we are able to step back, pause, and remind ourselves that it is not what people do ‘to’ me that matters so much, but rather what I do with what other people do to me’.
This encapsulates part 2 of our lives and is experienced as true empowerment in Panels 7, 8, 9. We are able to see that the multi-generational sickness that we were born into, how it affected us and that we have been living in it still! But just like in the Wizard of Oz, the curtain, when pulled back, reveals the truth!
We realise there really was nothing to afraid of in the end and that the world isn’t as scary a place as we were first convinced it was. The safety we always yearned for, and the connection, are now available to us as adults, within us.
It is vital to develop a conscious and growing empathy for ourselves as we relate to others going forward. Once we can do this we are also more able to empathise with others but also to discern those who do not warrant our light. Boundaries become easier and easier to put in place.
This kind of healing journey is one that must be made with an enlightened witness though. As children of dysfunctional/narcissistic family systems, validation of our experience is a primary requirement for healing so that we do not continue the gaslighting by gaslighting ourselves.
At the end of the day, empathy once again is the key to healing, why? Well, it was this that we never experienced from the very people we were meant to in childhood, our parents. So we now have the responsibility to step up and be that source of empathy to ourselves. Instead of feeling ganged up on and alone as we did with synergistically wounding parents, we now know that we have the choice who to let into our lives and also who to ban!
Rosenberg, J. (2015) Be the cause: Healing human disconnect. United States: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Walker, P. (2013) Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving: A guide and map for recovering from childhood trauma. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote.
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.