When in a triangle with mutual connections and two people have a disconnect, the dynamics with the third person change. Let us call the person who was wronged be called A, the person who wronged person A be called B and the third person be called C. If C says nothing to B and continues their relationship normally, is C’s relationship with A sustainable?
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”
Nelson Mandela
Resentment is a feeling of unfairness, of sensing something is off. There are many reasons why we bottle up resentment. It could be because you are someone who does not normally speak your mind or because you do not feel you can open up to the other person. Often, we cannot process resentment with the person that did us harm. Either way, without some kind of dialogue, you may not be able to continue that relationship. Subconsciously, our negative feelings build up, even resulting in us wishing pain on the other person.
If you feel resentment towards somebody and have fantasies of doing them harm, those feelings are valid, but acting on them or pushing them down is not worth it. This does nothing good for us. It is better that you express your fantasies with someone you trust such as a therapist or trusted family member instead of repressing them as opposed to imploding or exploding from the pressure building up inside you.
Physical Effects
This article breaks down scientific findings about resentment’s effect on health:
“Dr. Carsten Wrosch, of Concordia University in Montreal, explains that resentment and bitterness interfere with our body’s hormonal systems. This causes a majorly damaging effect through our entire body, much like extreme stress,” also noting that “these negative emotions interfere with our immune system as well causing us to be susceptible to illness and disease. The negativity can even cause heart problems, according to Dr. Charles Raison of the University of Arizona Health Sciences.”
We owe it to ourselves, especially during these times of crisis, to keep our immune systems as strong as we can.
The Enlightened Witness
In order to combat the potential harm of bottling up your feelings, it is important to find an Enlightened Witness. An Enlightened Witness is someone who can listen non judgmentally to your feelings. They need to be able to keep your conversations confidential. In the ABC situation, friend C cannot be an enlightened witness. They are bound to have inherent judgements due to their relationship with B. When people commit acts of omission, standing by and saying nothing, they become part of the disconnect. Until there is dialogue, that relationship will be a source of negativity in your life. The validation from the enlightened witness, we can rebuild that connection with someone
Principles Over People
We have to lay down our principles and if people fall on the side of our principles, then the relationship has integrity, but if they fall outside those principles, that relationship is not sustainable. For example, if someone is stealing money from you and someone close to you still supports that person, they are supporting morals that probably do not align with yours. If you align yourself with values true to your heart instead of people, you will find more fulfilling relationships. If the situation is severe, the best course of action may be to cut off contact or go low contact. It all depends on what you feel is best for you.
Ask yourself this: if someone does not care about your feelings, why should you concern yourself with them?
From A Mind Map Perspective
The first betrayal is the breaching of the trust between the primary caregiver and infant. When we are betrayed by our family of origin and we later enter relationships that recreate those wounds, it is doubly painful. If someone betrays us later in life, that similar experience triggers us. Wounds cause reactions and those reactions cause us to encode that pain. When we are primed to believe negative things about ourselves, betrayal may be the trigger point that descends us into chaos and resentment.
Chaos and resentment eventually lead to breakdowns. When you feel like you cannot talk to someone you trust and you relive that wound in your mind you’re in the Double Dungeon of Darkness. In order to prevent betrayals from causing chaos, we need to engage in peaceful healing dialogues, whether it be with someone who we care about who stands by the betrayer or an Enlightened Witness.
