Aging isn’t easy for most of us, but when it comes to a narcissistic personality, it is terrifying to say the least and to avoided at all costs. Why is this?
If we remember that narcissistic personality disorder is primarily about getting ‘supply’, then we can imagine that, with age, the ability to get the attention and admiration they did in younger years, gets harder and harder.
This may at times cause a noticeable frustration and growing resentment at the reality of their situation. It can even become a palpable underlying desperation.
As we know, there are broadly 2 types of narcissist: somatic and cerebral and each seduces in a different way.
The somatic uses their body, their sexuality, their allure and appearance as their greatest tool for garnering narcissistic supply. One can imagine that for the somatic, therefore, aging is like slowly losing control and self-worth as ones’ looks begin to fail and admiring looks from others lessens more and more. Many of these narcissists resort to plastic surgeries, dressing younger than their age, or trying to maintain a young body by working out excessively at the gym etc.
These types may become resentful of their adult children if they look good and take it as a personal attack or slight! They become more and more disagreeable as time goes by. They see themselves as looking years younger than their peers and treat them with disdain as if to say they are so elderly!
Male somatics tend to be focused on maintaining their physique in the gym, taking steroids to enhance their performance both generally and in the bedroom. They gain supply by getting validation from intimate partners for their outstanding sexual ability and need to be told how amazing they are as lovers. Of course, with age, this ability to perform sexually may need the support of more and more Viagra or such! This is humiliating for the male somatic and something to be kept secret at all costs.
Cerebral narcissists on the other hand look with disdain upon sex and the body and see it as just perfunctory. They value their intelligence and knowledge as far superior to most others and gain admiration by the extent of their intellectual dominance. However, as one ages, the ability to recall information and keep up with the fast pace of things in the world today, often renders the cerebral frustrated and angry if their lack of knowledge on new subjects is exposed. They may become defiant, stubborn and even aggressively opinionated as they age, ridiculing anything that goes contrary to their own understanding or opinion.
As both the somatic and cerebral begin to lose their ability to seduce others and their respective supply dwindles, they may begin to look towards their adult children once again. The primary supply source who was groomed from the start to be their carer, is suddenly their safe bet as a source of supply. Empathic adult children must be aware of their vulnerability at this time as their parent ages, as the narcissistic parent will most certainly use all the tactics in the book to ensure their adult child continues to serve them first and foremost.
Somatic narcissists who are no longer able to rely on their body to gain sexual attention/admiration now turn their focus on their failing body and will often talk endlessly about different ailments and their fragility. They are the victim of aging when inside they are still at the their prime- how unjust! This keeps the focus on the body but in a different way and is a means of garnering supply.
The narcissistic parent’s aim was always to stop their children flourishing sexually and they will continue to try to rob you of this until the very end. They want to bring you down with them, to immerse you in their misery and their depression at the end of their lives. They will use their old age to continue to influence your life by ensuring you cannot be free nor happy and that your attention and life is focused on them.
The aging narcissist is still extremely manipulative but now in adapted ways. Sex is no longer a primary means of seduction and control, however desperation for supply means they are no less highly driven to meet their needs in other cunning and convincing ways.
Adams, K.M. (2011) Silently seduced: When parents make their children partners. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.
Freud, S. (1949) Three essays on the theory of Sexuality. London: Imago Pub. Co.
Rosenberg, J. (2015) Be the cause: Healing human disconnect. United States, California: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Vaknin, S. and Rangelovska, L. (2015) Malignant self-love: Narcissism revisited: Narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationship. Skopje: Narcissus Publications.
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.