According to attachment theory, a secure/safe-base is crucial for a child’s development and is provided through a relationship with one or more attuned and responsive attachment figures. This caregiver is a safe haven to whom the child can turn when upset or anxious.
We often see evidence of this when observing young children when they have been startled or are afraid, they instinctively run to their caregiver in order to be soothed and have their confidence restored so that they can continue exploring.
This highlights well the 2 primary roles of the safe base parent:
- To provide a source of comfort in distress and to restore calm
- To encourage and facilitate exploration and self-differentiation
The safe-base theory is one of the 4 features of attachment suggested by Bowlby which also include: safe haven; proximity maintenance; separation distress.
Now in dysfunctional/narcissistic family systems things are always topsy turvy. This whole system is on it’s head because the parent (mother/primary caregiver) is seeking healthy attachment to the child and not vice-versa.
When your mother is Borderline and Narcissistic, the exact opposite happens in that it is the parent/caregiver that is in search of a safe-base from the child!
The mother is in need of a secure base because she herself is emotionally at toddler age and run by her own traumatised inner child. She needs to find a secure base as she cannot find that in her partner/husband. It must be someone that will meet her needs for regulation/attention/attunement/encouragement and consistency that will always be there. She needs a source of security in the world in other words, so that SHE can explore it!
What happens subconsciously is that the BPD/Narcissistic mother experiences a source of this security in the 1st few months/years of her child’s life. The child loves her unconditionally, is dependent upon her and so, will never leave her. This is comforting for the mother and something that she does not want to face life without ever again. With this in mind, she nurtures one of her children (usually the golden child) to be her forever safe-base.
What does this look like in reality? Well the only way to ensure that this supply of unconditional love, comfort and dependence is consistent is to create a dependency in the child through enmeshment. In a nut shell, the child must not be encouraged to become independent- ever!
As the adorer/supporter/defender/enabler, the golden child is virtually hypnotised into this toxic parasitic relationship and comes to believe that this is what makes them lovable!
The child becomes the substitute safe base (mother/carer) for their mother so that she can go out into the world with a certainty of being loved and having someone who will give her the 2 roles of the safe base: comfort and encouragement.
The Borderline/Narcissistic mother feels secure to enter the world of other adults because despite her feelings of deep inadequacy (as an adult) she knows she can return to security when reunited with her child who sees her as an adult/idealises her. This soothes and allows her to explore again but she will need to ensure her child never leaves this role as her safe base, especially as they mature. In other words, she will need to infantalise them!
Clients often recall their frustration when their mother insists on calling them by childhood nicknames or patronising titles like ‘miss goody two shoes’ or ‘little boy’ etc. She will speak to them in childlike ways suggesting that they are incapable as adults. She will be completely incapable of seeing the adult child as anything more than that – their child, not an independent adult.
It is so confusing for children of these types of mothers because on one hand they are being parentified (taking on an adult role in childhood) and on the other being infantalised (held back in a childlike role). In other words they are being groomed to be dependent on one hand but to be depended upon, on the other.
Coupled with this is the ‘on/off’ nature of this relationship. One minute mother is in need of comforting and soothing, the next she has restored her confidence and virtually drops her child so that she can go off and explore! It is as if you are needed but discarded at the same time. This may create a more anxious attachment style in the child as they mature.
Even into adulthood, these children will be expected to remain as the strong/safe/consistent one in the lives of their mothers. It is interesting to see how as these mother’s age they become a bit more childlike and less able to hide their inadequacy as adults. They may become more needy and demanding, having tantrums when they are not the number one consideration.
One can imagine the effect of no contact on this type of parent! It is terrifying, but, rest assured, the child is not irreplaceable and often within the same day, a replacement safe-base will either be found or called in from the wings. The nature of the borderline mother is that she cannot exist without someone else as her locus of control. She cannot go within to find her sense of security and safety because it is chaos within her. She can only find some sense of comfort from her inner world by passing on this responsibility to someone else.
It is exhausting and confusing for those in relationship with her because nothing that the partner or child does will ever be good enough. Ultimately she is searching to connect with herself, but she cannot because there is no developed self within.
It is extremely toxic and frustrating but ultimately the adult child must allow themselves to see the truth of it that they are being used.
This is not an easy realisation to come to nor is it an easy healing process to embark upon. But ultimately, with the structure and clarity of the Mind Map system, we are able to see the truth and shine a light on the impact of this topsy turvy system gone wrong. It is not a blame game at all but rather a rescue mission of the inner child who is trapped in a psychological prison which this kind of enmeshment creates.
Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development, New York, Basic Books. Bretherton, I.
Kernberg, O.F. (2004) Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Rosenberg, J. (2015) Be the cause: Healing human disconnect. United States: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.