The “no contact” rule refers to cutting off all ties of communication/ contact with another to allow space to grieve and heal. This may be implicated after a break- up due to the abusive and toxic nature of the relationship. Likewise, this is often necessary when it comes to family members or friends if you find yourself giving up your peace and wellbeing by remaining in contact. This approach may be extreme, though it is necessary when you’ve done all you can in your power to mend the relationship and it is still costing you your mental health and peace of mind. It is found that this is the most effective way of separating yourself when dealing with a narcissist because by allowing them room in your life; you are allowing them to inevitably take every inch of space you have, leaving you with no room to heal and recover.
Human beings are wired to connect, so discomfort is to be expected, even when implementing no contact with an abusive narcissist. Guilt, shame, and mental resistance is normal, and part of the process. When cutting off contact with another, it is much like breaking an addictive cycle. It is going against your “norm” even when that looks like abuse. Growth and change are inevitably uncomfortable at first, but necessary if you want your peace back.
With healing, it is important to be honest and make space without judgement for every part of the process. Cutting off contact with someone is not an easy process and there can be many reasons why this rule is difficult to enforce for yourself. You may come to face that you secretly do not want to end the relationship and that you may be hoping for a different outcome. You may also feel helpless and stuck in a continuous cycle of re-triggering your childhood wounds with this person.
Please note that when dealing with narcissists, they will make it extremely difficult to enforce a no contact rule for yourself. Understand that, for the narcissist, the goal is to make you doubt yourself and decisions to separate yourself from them. When you separate yourself, you cut off their “supply” to feed into their ego. Sometimes, you must take precautionary measures to ensure that this person will no longer have a way of disrupting your peace.
How to effectively follow No Contact
- Cut off all forms of communication (Do not call, text, email, engage on social media)
- Block and unfollow if necessary
- Delete contact information to avoid temptation and mental resistance
- Get rid of or put away mementos of person or relationship that may trigger you (if possible)
- Avoid places where you know you may run into this person (if possible)
- Do not offer friendship as a consolation prize
If you find yourself stuck in a toxic cycle and think you may need to implement a no contact role for yourself and another person, remember that this journey requires an adequate amount of self-discipline and a whole lot of self-love and compassion. Remember that freedom from your abuser can look scary and come with shame and guilt. Allow and witness all feelings. Make space for any emotions that come up and be gentle with yourself through the process. And most importantly, remind yourself (over and over if necessary) of the reason(s) you have decided to go no contact and know that you deserve peace of mind and freedom of abuse.
