Disagreement and conflict are an inevitable part of the human experience. In a perfect world, all of us would have been modeled healthy relationship patterns, productive communication skills, healthy coping mechanisms, and we would have been gifted the consciousness to keep making these favorable decisions. To humbly put it, this just isn’t the case for many of us.
The dynamics we choose to engage in as adults typically reflect notable similarities as the ones we had or witnessed in childhood. Before one is conscious to these patterns, they may find themselves stuck on the same cycle of hurt with those people that continue to hurt us the ways we were hurt or neglected in childhood. We go back to these dynamics time and time again in different relationships. These relationships are representative to the relationships we had with our parents/ caretakers. We unconsciously go back to the dynamics we come from in hopes to repair and create a happier outcome for our inner wounded child.
The hurters we allow into our lives are representations of the ones who hurt us in the first place. Being drawn to a hurter is being drawn to the familiar. To keep to the familiar is to survive. Human beings are wired for survival and find comfort in what’s familiar because familiar is predictable, therefore it is “safe”. Our subconscious will keep you in familiar pattern cycles with familiar people, even the hurters, because this is what you are familiar with, therefore it is predictable and “safe”.
For example, a child who experienced significant neglect where they didn’t get enough attention, emotional validation, and proper nurturement may grow up with very low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a very common trait in people who feel as though they are stuck in a toxic relationship. In this person’s subconscious, negative attention from the hurter is better than no attention at all. This fear of abandonment can manifest in codependency and other self-esteem issues. And so the cycle continues…
Now, on the other side of the coin, a hurter learned to hurt. A common personality disorder associated with toxic relationships is narcissistic personality disorder. A person can be considered to have NPD if they carry an exaggerated sense of self-importance, unrealistic needs for admiration, and complete lack of empathy or regard for others. This is also a product of childhood wounds that are often rooted in neglect, over-spoiling, and even having a narcissistic parent model this behavior.
From a Mind Map Perspective
Both a co-dependent and a narcissist can be a hurter. When outwardly hurting others or allowing others to hurt you, everyone involved is essentially experiencing this hurt. When one takes that step to shift into consciousness of healing, the other will either follow by example, or more often remain stuck in their pattern of hurt. If we don’t dismantle these patterns of hurt, they will dismantle us and our relationships.
If you find yourself powerless to the compulsion of going back to your hurter in hopes of healing or mending the relationship, I invite you to pause and reflect. Consider the why. Why this person and their behavior feels familiar. Explore possible parallels in the relationships from childhood to present relationships (and everything in between). Allow yourself to admit and grieve the relationships you wished you had and the love that you didn’t receive. Allowing this space is the shift from consciousness of hurt to consciousness of healing. Lastly, and the most imperative takeaway from this post is to remember that the hurter can’t be the healer, unless they recognize themselves as hurters and shift into consciousness of accountability and healing.
Signs that may Indicate you are Both Moving Toward Healing
According to an article written by Cindy Lamothe & Crystal Raypole of Healthline.com, Is your Relationship Toxic? What to Look For , signs that may indicate that you and a partner can work things out together include:
. Acceptance of responsibility (on both ends)
. Willingness to invest (deepening conversations, prioritizing quality time together)
. Shift from blaming to understanding/learning about each other
. Openness to outside help (this may include professional and individual counseling)
