Where do we first begin to learn about sex? Each of us first gains an understanding of an intimate physical and emotional relationships by watching and attuning to our parents. We are acutely aware of the tensions as well as the loving moments (if there are any).
In the narcissistic family system, sex education is happening all the time! If we keep in mind that the narcissistic parent is suffering from arrested development not only emotionally but also psycho-sexually, then we can begin to determine their impact on their own children’s sexual development.
It is widely understood that most narcissists are emotionally at about age 3-5 yrs. old which, when viewed alongside Freud’s psycho-sexual model, places them in the Phallic stage. This stage is all about ones genitals and because the child is narcissistic at this age anyway, there is a tendency towards masturbation (a one sided, it is all about my needs mentality). There is no integration of the sexual self with the emotional self and thus no thought towards empathy for the needs of others.
A narcissistic person will more than likely demonstrate similar behaviours. They may be obsessed with their own body, walk around naked in front of the children often gaining supply through doing so, showing off their genitals, neglecting to protect their children from sexualised material like pornography, tell smutty crude jokes, have indecent pictures on the wall, make lewd remarks even to their own children.
These kind of displays of sexual prowess often leave children confused and feeling unsafe, as their own sexual identity and drive begins to become merged with the narcissistic parent! They are robbed of their innocence in other words and the parent takes their sexual freedom by forever merging it in the narcissistic parent. The parent first elicits a sexual arousal in the child and this often means that all future sexual arousals/relationships are somehow still mixed up with them.
The above defines the predominantly ‘somatic’ narcissist as opposed to the ‘cerebral’ kind.
If the parent is more cerebral, they will show a disdain and disrespect for the sexual act, suggesting it is simply an act, base and beneath them. Much like going to the toilet, it serves a function of the body. It is often the case that the partner of this type of narcissistic person will be shamed for not being intellectual and made to feel they are less than or not in the same league and thus only good for sex.
The narcissist however, whichever type, objectifies everyone.
He objectifies his wife especially and needs to do this because real intimacy is a turn off and not something he can do. He renders his partner an object for sex, quite like a porn image or a prostitute. That way he can separate the sometimes long term relationship they have from the sexual act.
This objectification will likely have an effect on the partner and may result in body shame. This in turn may affect the children as they pick up on a link between sex and something shameful.
In a different vein, children of narcissistic parents are often praised for their appearance predominantly and are dressed in more adult style/provocative clothing from a young age. These children learn that their bodies are both their greatest ally and their greatest enemy at the same time. They can never reach the perfection that has been placed upon them and so often throw in the towel and give up or abandon themselves to others who use them for their body once more. Their Panel 3 negative core beliefs are often around being used and unworthy.
Covert emotional incest is another common feature in these families. Children are brought up into the spousal role, (an inherently a sexual one) as opposed to a parentification. This is a very unsafe space mostly because of how blurred the boundaries are and how intimately bonded emotionally they are with one of their parents. This stunts their psycho-sexual development and renders them forever wedded to the parent subconsciously.
In order to free oneself form the highly distorted view of sex and intimacy that children of narcissistic parents internalise, it is imperative to really take stock of the impact upon your sexuality and how WTF is happening in your life as a result. Sexual health is the key to fruitfulness in all areas of life and potentially a wonderful experience of being known deeply and attachment. All of this will be siphoned by the narcissistic parent unless focused inner work is done. Just like we do in the Mind Map.
Adams, K.M. (2011) Silently seduced: When parents make their children partners. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.
Freud, S. (1949) Three essays on the theory of Sexuality. London: Imago Pub. Co.
Rosenberg, J. (2015) Be the cause: Healing human disconnect. United States, California: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
Vaknin, S. and Rangelovska, L. (2015) Malignant self-love: Narcissism revisited: Narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationship. Skopje: Narcissus Publications.
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.