As children, we internalize the messages that our parents communicate to us. In the case of verbal abuse, the message is loud and clear, and there is no ambiguity in the words spoken. Like sponges, children ingest these messages, digest them and get “sick” from them. Then they manifest the communication by repeating these verbal messages to themselves, and or projecting the same messages onto others like siblings, classmates, and friends. It is common that later in life they repeat these messages in significant relationships, or allow significant others to treat them with abuse as well. This cycle causes multigenerational harm to the next generation.
Verbal abuse, in a very obvious way, lowers self-esteem. Children easily ‘buy in’ to the messages. This means that they don’t question the messages and believe that they are true, especially because they came from the most important people in their world–their parents.
We look to our parents to self-define. We look for words and non verbal cues to figure out who we are. It is their reflection back to us that helps us know if we are good bad, smart stupid, worthy unworthy, lovable or not. If they use harsh demeaning words of criticism and contempt, it infects our view of ourselves and the world around us.
These messages create fear, self-doubt and self-loathing. and often result in stuffing feelings down to avoid the repercussions of talking back and creating more abuse. This suppression of feelings becomes a problem in and of itself. Anger turned inward, or imploding feelings can manifest as symptoms ranging from somatic tension in the form of headaches, backaches, muscle aches, stomach aches, and other dis-eases that break down the body. Verbal abuse is shown to hold a high-risk factor for anger and hostility, both repressed and expressed. Extreme forms of abuse can also lead to emotional numbness and dissociative disorders.
According to an article from Safe Horizons, there are 5 signs of verbal abuse:
- Criticism and judgment
- Boundary violations such as invasion of your privacy
- Possessive and controlling behavior
- Manipulation
- Dismissal of you and your feelings
Long term effects include increased anxiety, sleep, and eating problems, hypervigilance, irritability, aggression, alcohol and drug abuse, cognitive problems, startle responses, Post Traumatic Disorder (PTSD) symptoms, self-harm, and even suicide.
As much as we would like to think that these verbal assaults, even those we think of as innocent “remarks’ ‘ leave little to no footprint in the psyche, this is simply not true. After working with thousands of people, I have been witness to their severely damaging effects. Not everyone is thick-skinned and able to bounce back.
In some cultures and families it may be acceptable to tease through insults and putdowns. It is important to not over-exaggerate: Not all negative comments will destroy someone’s mental health, and some of the “teasing” may be implicitly consensual. Since we don’t know where the tease stops and the damage begins, be careful and know your audience, and watch for negative reactions. Or better yet, find a better game.
FROM A MIND MAP PERSPECTIVE
From a Mind Map perspective, verbal abuse creates damaging negative core beliefs that ingrain in the psyche and take deeper therapeutic work to reprocess and unravel. Psychologist Albert Ellis, Father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy identified many of these negative core beliefs. He focused on helping people identify, challenge, and dismantle them.
The Mind Map System puts the focus on sourcing the abuse back to the blueprint or cause–our primary caregivers, usually mother and or father, and others who contributed to these negative messages. Let’s not forget that parents and others who perpetuate this verbal abuse, most likely copied it from THEIR parents. It’s multigenerational.
Negative core beliefs are an endless list of negative messages:
I’m not good enough
I’m stupid
I’m a loser
I’m not lovable
These are just a few examples.
These messages act like a “psycho-virus” that ingrains into the fiber of your being and makes you “psycho!” The Mind Map is a pathway to sourcing the damage and how you reacted to it and became triggered by these negative core beliefs. By identifying these core beliefs that are now a part of the way you view yourself and the world, you can understand and dismantle their effects.
Through the Mind Map Journey, you will learn how to allow yourself full expression of the anger, resentment, betrayal, helplessness, and powerlessness that you may have experienced so that you don’t have to implode, explode or numb your feelings as a result of this type of abuse.
