Traditional couple’s therapy tends to focus mainly on communication skills and not enough on the cause of miscommunication.
When two people come together in a romantic relationship, so do their wounds.
It is important to get familiar with the Attachment Theory, discovered by British psychologist, John Bowlby, and colleague, Mary Ainsworth. The ways we attach in our adult relationships are a result of the attachments and bonds made in childhood. Bowlby viewed attachment as a product of evolution, and that it is a learned process beginning in early childhood. The four patterns of attachment include:
Secure attachment– A securely attached person can trust others and be trusted, love and accept love, and get close to others with relative ease. They’re not afraid of intimacy, nor do they feel panicked when their partners need time or space away from them. They’re able to depend on others without becoming totally dependent.
Anxious/Ambivalent attachment– Anxiously attached people tend to be very insecure about their relationships, often worrying that their partner will leave them and thus always hungry for validation. Anxious attachment is associated with “neediness” or clingy behavior
Avoidant attachment– People with avoidant attachment style tend to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others in relationships, and relationships can make them feel suffocated. They typically maintain some distance from their partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships, preferring to be independent and rely on themselves.
Disorganized attachment– a combination of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with fearful-avoidant attachment both desperately crave affection and want to avoid it at all costs. They’re reluctant to develop a close romantic relationship, yet at the same time, they have a dire need to feel loved by others.
They conclude with this theory that, “the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with the mother (or permanent parent-substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment” – Dr. Judy, Be the Cause; Healing Human Disconnect
Mind Map Perspective
Exploring the root and cause of the wounds behind the miscommunication through individual therapy will help each individual self-reflect and recognize their triggers. In turn, this will help when coming together to address relationship issues with more empathy and perspective. Without the ability to recognize childhood wounds and triggers, partners tend to spiral down a cycle of reactivation of chaos and defenses. This, most often, leads to detonation of the relationship and it is likely to influence other relationships as well.
The goal is to dismantle old patterns and reboot the system.
For those of you seeking couple’s therapy, know that as you go from the problem to the cause, you get worlds closer to the solution. Once you start healing the disconnect within yourself, you begin to heal the disconnect in your relationships, ultimately leading to a relationshift into a sustainable, interconnected partnership.
