Narcissistic personality disorder and Borderline Personality disorder are both
disorders of relating. They are dysfunctional means of seeing and being with self and
others. Thus, in order to understand why each manifests, we need to understand the
relational cause which triggered an NPD/BPD trauma response.
As John Bowlby, Melanie Klein and Donald Winnicott explain, the original trauma is
an attachment wound. In this sense, the Mother is the cause. Why can we say this?
Well mother/mother substitute is the first to whom the child tries to attach and later to
separate from.
When the mother is ‘good enough’ the child experiences a healthy being seen and
attuned to (Winnicott). When the mother is a ‘bad mother’ she is not able to ‘see’
child due to being narcissistic/borderline/depressed etc. which renders her focused
on her own needs and using the child to meet them.
The child is an extension of her, an object used to support her rather than the other
way round. This type of mother is neglectful/smothering/abusive and she does not
become the ‘safe base’, which Bowlby describes as essential for healthy identity
development in a child.
Between 18 – 24months children begin the natural process of separation and
individuation from mother. If the mother is a safe base, then they are confident to
explore the world and healthy narcissism drives them forward to developing their
own identity apart from mother.
However, with a ‘bad mother’ the child is thwarted in this stage. The mother does not
want the child to separate and so any exploration or attempt to become an individual
is a threat to her. The child will likely be shamed or punished for doing so.
For example:
- An anxious mother may smother the child’s exploration and be too controlling.
- A depressed mother may cling onto the child as she needs the love from the
child. - A borderline mother will desperately hold the child back from ‘abandoning’
her. - A narcissistic mother may feel slighted and take it personally that the child
does not seem to have all it’s attention on them anymore.
To cope with this major developmental trauma (not being able to separate from
mother) the child develops either NPD or BPD.
Narcissistic personality disorder and Borderline Personality disorder are both disorders of relating. They are dysfunctional means of seeing and being with self and others. Thus, in order to understand why each manifests, we need to understand the relational cause which triggered an NPD/BPD trauma response.
As John Bowlby, Melanie Klein and Donald Winnicott explain, the original trauma is an attachment wound. In this sense, the Mother is the cause. Why can we say this? Well mother/mother substitute is the first to whom the child tries to attach and later to separate from.
When the mother is ‘good enough’ the child experiences a healthy being seen and attuned to (Winnicott). When the mother is a ‘bad mother’ she is not able to ‘see’ child due to being narcissistic/borderline/depressed etc. which renders her focused on her own needs and using the child to meet them.
The child is an extension of her, an object used to support her rather than the other way round. This type of mother is neglectful/smothering/abusive and she does not become the ‘safe base’, which Bowlby describes as essential for healthy identity development in a child.
Between 18 – 24months children begin the natural process of separation and individuation from mother. If the mother is a safe base, then they are confident to explore the world and healthy narcissism drives them forward to developing their own identity apart from mother.
However, with a ‘bad mother’ the child is thwarted in this stage. The mother does not want the child to separate and so any exploration or attempt to become an individual is a threat to her. The child will likely be shamed or punished for doing so.
For example:
- An anxious mother may smother the child’s exploration and be too controlling.
- A depressed mother may cling onto the child as she needs the love from the child.
- A borderline mother will desperately hold the child back from ‘abandoning’ her.
- A narcissistic mother may feel slighted and take it personally that the child does not seem to have all it’s attention on them anymore.
To cope with this major developmental trauma (not being able to separate from mother) the child develops either NPD or BPD.
Otto Kernberg suggests that narcissists result from a mother who is neglectful and ignoring. When a child is not seen by it’s mother, it is almost akin to death and so the main driver in the child moving forward is to find attention/admiration etc: to be seen!
Borderlines result from an abusive/critical/shaming mother and so the main diver for the borderline is to find soothing/comfort.
In both cases, the child tries to enact the separation process by developing a separate self (a false self) but in order to do so they must create a fantasy world that begins with an imaginary friend who provides the attention and soothing and later takes over entirely as the self. However, there is no self to begin with as it was never given what was needed to develop (Prof. S. Vaknin)
It is interesting that BPD is higher in women than men, which may suggest a tendency of mothers to be verbally abusive/critical/enabling towards their daughters? These are my own thoughts.
What is equally interesting is the role of the other parent in the formation of these disorders because there may be cause to believe that the father has the potential to interrupt the abuse and help to foster a process of healthy separation despite the circumstances.
Regardless, it is important to bare in mind that Narcissism and Borderline are really very similar. They are a different form of the same thing. Otto Kernberg said that they are actually underlie all mental illness!
Once again, this highlights the crucial role of the very early years in child development and the impact that caregivers have, either for good or for bad.
Kernberg, O. (1979) Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. New York: Aronson.
Klein, M. (1950) The psycho-analysis of children. London: Hogarth Press.
Vaknin, S. & Rangelovska, L. (2015) Malignant self-love: Narcissism revisited. Skopje: Narcissus Publications. Winnicott, D.W. (1984) The family and individual development. London: Tavistock. .
Kernberg, O. (1979) Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. New York:
Aronson.
Klein, M. (1950) The psycho-analysis of children. London: Hogarth Press.
Vaknin, S. & Rangelovska, L. (2015) Malignant self-love: Narcissism revisited. Skopje:
Narcissus Publications.
Winnicott, D.W. (1984) The family and individual development. London: Tavistock. .
Christiana is a qualified psychotherapist in London, England. She has a particular interest in the effects of Narcissistic Parenting, Attachment and Co-dependency.