A fragile parent is a parent who has their own unresolved health issues, whether they are mental or physical. If a child grows up with a parent who is not in a healthy place, they become accustomed to abnormal behaviors. When they learn unhealthy ways to navigate the world from their parents, those behaviors will likely cause problems for them during adulthood. There are different ways that instability can manifest in a parent such as mental illness, codependency, or emotional unavailability. 

Mental Illness

Growing up with a mentally ill parent can be hard on kids, especially when the illness goes undiagnosed or untreated. Unaware that mental illness can explain their parent’s unhealthy behavior, they assume that things are supposed to be that way. Since it is normal for them, they are at high risk for adopting their parent’s behaviors and even adopting the mental illness in some cases.

In an article by Wendy Wisher, “The Challenges of Growing Up with a Parent Who Has a Mental Illness,” she discusses the challenges that may arise in these situations. She starts by saying that “there are many brave, strong parents who are in treatment for their mental illness and can parent their children with stability and love,” but that “children who are raised by parents with untreated or severe mental illness are going to feel the effects, whether they are aware of what’s happening at the time or not.” 

According to Wisher’s reference, Kimberly Leitch, LCSW-R, one consequence of this situation can be that a child feels “‘uncertain, anxious, and neglected,’” and that “‘life can be unstable and unpredictable, and children may not learn proper coping skills. Instead of adapting healthy coping skills they can learn early on negative coping skills through observation.’”

Instead of adapting healthy coping skills they can learn early on negative coping skills through observation.

Leitch also explains that children can become caretakers for their parents which leads to identity loss. If you have experienced this, it is essential to understand what happened to you. In order to make sense of your childhood, you must recognize that those behaviors are not normal and acknowledge them as byproducts of mental illness. 

Codependency

Codependency is another way mental fragility can take shape. Sometimes it can be hard to tell when a reasonable amount of worry and precaution flips into codependent territory.

Seth Meyers, Psy.D. explains in his article, “The Root of Overprotective Parents: Codependent Parents,” that it is important to ask the following questions:  “when does protecting or looking out for your child actually become pathological or even harmful to the child,” and “when is “worrying” about your child or protecting them actually a convenient scapegoat for your own psychological issues that you are putting on your child?” Codependency may show in behaviors like:

• Keeping your child from doing things that they want to do because of your own irrational fears.
• Fearing separation from your kids. 
• Stunting their growth and independence for selfish reasons. 
• Using them as crutches for your emotional needs

Codependency tips the scale from healthy worry into suffocating hinderance. Dr. Meyers reasons that codependency doesn’t work because “most effective parenting requires a delicate balance between being protective and encouraging independence.” Trauma is multigenerational, so unless the codependent parent changes their ways, they could pass on codependency for generations. In order to break the cycle, Dr. Meyers says that ““it is crucial that all parents – regardless of their own histories, issues with separation or codependence and so forth – recognize that some level of independence granted to the child will help them grow and evolve.” Learning independence is essential for a child to have a successful adult life. 

Emotional Unavailability

Emotional unavailability is a defense mechanism that often seeps into parenting. In order to cope with previous trauma, they shut themselves down from the world, letting no love in or out. This cold, unfeeling approach can wreak havoc on a child’s psyche. Peg Streep writes in her article, “How to Recover from an Emotionally Unavailable Mother,” that emotionally unavailable parents “suffer from trust issues, an inability to sustain connection, and trouble identifying feelings,” while their children “sometimes [turn] to unhealthy substitutes to fill the hole in their hearts.” Streep stresses how important it is to introspect and identify how your behavior has devolved due to your emotionally unavailable parent. She outlines that you should look out for:

• How trusting others is an issue in your life
• The degree to which you either crave or disdain close connections
• Whether you tend to self-isolate and minimize the importance of relationships
• Whether you are always on alert and fearful in a relationship and have problems with healthy boundaries
• The degree to which you are emotionally intelligent and can identify and act on your feelings 
• Whether you are repeating the pattern by being attracted to emotionally unavailable friends and romantic partners

From a Mind Map Perspective

If you have a fragile parent, they are weakened and often turn inward to cope with their own inability to function properly. Since they are already dealing with their own issues, they are not able to be concerned about your feelings, soothe you, attune to you, play with you, pay attention to you, etc. If one parent isn’t functioning properly, it messes up the whole family system. Together, both parents are supposed to form a secure support system from which children can grow.

When one parent cannot function properly, the weight falls onto the other parent or the child. Sometimes, one parent bears the brunt of the fragile system. If this weight is too much, they may resort to defense mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, overeating, etc. As both parents fail to support their child, the child can get so desperate for structure that they sometimes step into the parental role.

When you do not receive the necessary psychological ingredients for healthy development, it often leads to you turning your parents’ job on yourself. Realize that Part One of your life was not your fault and that you have been affected by multigenerational trauma. In order to heal, you have to get the poison of your past experiences out. You must express the pain, let it all out, and close the file instead of imploding or exploding. Once you have begun healing, you can pursue healthy connections with people who feed your psyche instead of deplete it. Set boundaries with your parents and other people in your life that do not show you support. When you take these steps, you can move on from the pain of your childhood and pursue a happier, healthier future.