In a quote by Dr. Judy Rosenberg, she states that “narcissism is consuming. It sucks the air out of the room.” When a victim is being manipulated by a narcissistic abuser, especially a parent, it can feel like they’re falling down a hole. They exploit their victim by stealing their physical and emotional energy, health, dreams, and even money. Narcissistic abusers show their victims no mirroring and empathy. The abuser is never satisfied, so the victim has to keep molding themselves to be what the narcissist wants. They give parts of themselves away, little by little, until there is nothing left. The abuser uses tactics to pull them in and force them to do their bidding.  

Here are some tactics narcissists use to manipulate their victims according to an article by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT:

• Lying
• Denial 
• Avoidance
• Blame, guilt, and shame
• Intimidation
• Playing the victim

Echoism

In the article “Echoism Is the Little-Known Condition that Affects Victims of Narcissistic Abuse” by Clare Wiley, she defines a condition called Echoism. According to Wiley, echoism is when victims of narcissistic abuse do not develop a sense of self. Wiley reports that the concept of echoism was popularized by Dr. Craig Malkin. The name originated from the Greek myth of Narcissus and Echo. Dr. Malkin said “‘Echo fell in love with Narcissus, but all she could do was echo what he said. Like Echo, echoists tend to fall into these relationships with really narcissistic friends and partners, because they struggle to have a voice of their own. They become adept at echoing the needs and feelings of more narcissistic people.’”

When someone is in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, the need to seek the narcissist’s love and approval takes over their life. While the victim is trying so hard to please their abuser, they often forget or push down their own emotions and needs and eventually forget who they are. 

How a Narcissist Steals Your Sense of Self:

• “A narcissist doesn’t strip your identity overnight. They subtly chip away more and more until every thought you have, word you speak, and action you take is worship and tribute to them.This is when the denial starts.
• You tell yourself they’re just a tortured soul – that they just need someone to support them and show them compassion. They have horrible stories about past abuse and toxic family members. 
• You invest your time, energy, and self into the narcissist – but it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
• You reevaluate everything you thought you knew about yourself. “I was stupid for thinking I could succeed in this career path,” you think. 
• The narcissist forms a mental and emotional blockade to isolate you from the rest of the world. With isolation (and employing other tactics akin to torture), the narcissist puts you in a state of learned helplessness where they have complete control.
• Resistance doesn’t work anymore. You’ve given up regaining control and have gone into survival mode. At this point, you might start to get depressed and feel incompetent or dabble in substance abuse to escape your reality.
• Now the narcissist has you where they want you: complete dependence and a total loss of self-identity. That inner child energy you once had is gone. You exist for them.
• By the time you’re on the outside looking in, you’ll see every pebble that slowly created a landslide and wonder how on earth you didn’t notice it happening. This gradual process makes healing your self-image such a difficult challenge.”

From a Mind Map Perspective

Narcissistic parenting is a system gone wrong. Instead of a parent putting their children’s needs first, they put their own needs first. The children are there to serve their parents. Since the parents do not put their children’s psychological needs first, the children do not get the psychological nutrients they need to become healthy individuals later in life. When children are used as tools to satisfy their parent’s needs, they develop negative core beliefs that their life is not their own and that if they are not pleasing their narcissistic abuser, they are worthless. These beliefs bar them from forming their own sense of self.

Eventually, this lack of identity causes breakdowns later in life, often in adult life when they are forced to face the world on their own. In order to find themselves again, one needs to look back on the series of events that led to their identity being stolen and dismantle the negative core beliefs that rose from their mistreatment. Putting an identity back together after narcissistic abuse can be a challenge, but every bit of it is worth it.

If you have experienced this, know that none of it was your fault and that you need to heal and find yourself again. You owe it to yourself after what you have gone through, and you can be happy. You can love yourself. Believe that it is possible and that you can Be The Cause.