In a healthy parent-child relationship, the parent works to meet the child’s needs. The parent gives the child proper care and attunement as a newborn and the child grows to be a healthy and independent adult. Children can look back fondly on a childhood full of love and happy memories. However, for the children of narcissists, their stories look a little different. Narcissists work to fulfill their own needs by taking advantage of others.
Hostage Situation
No one is easier to take advantage of than a child. We call this the Hostage Situation of childhood. Narcissistic parents feed off of their children, draining them emotionally to achieve their own selfish ends. The toll of their parent’s constant abuse can cause many different forms of psychological pain even into adult life.
The children of narcissistic abusers may wrongly think that the only way to end their pain is by finally getting the love they were denied all their lives. They constantly seek approval, reverting to their old place under their parent’s thumb, and only come out hurt again. Expecting a narcissist to change without serious psychological intervention is all to often unrealistic and disappointing. This cycle is extremely unhealthy, and everyone must realize that this is not the path to happiness! A person who hurts you won’t be able to truly heal you, as explained further in our blog article, “Hurters Can’t Be Healers.” The only person one can truly control is oneself, and seeking healthy routes to psychological healing is the best way to change one’s future.
How to Heal
Here are some healing things you can do as the child of a narcissist according to Julie Hall from Huffington Post:
“1. Educate Yourself About Narcissism
2. Accept That Your Narcissist Parent Won’t Change
3. Recognize Your Enabling Parent
4. Recognize the Roles in Your Family
5. Assert Boundaries
6. Attune with Your Feelings
7. Don’t Blame Yourself
8. Stop Hurting Yourself
9. Be Aware of Your Attractions with Narcissists
10. Honor Your Feelings About Your Narcissist Parent
11. Treat Yourself for Narcissistic ‘Fleas’”
Instead of going back to old ways, there are other options for dealing with your narcissistic parent. The Two Routes to Resolution according to Karyl McBride Ph.D. in her article, “Narcissistic Parents: Contact or Not” are maintaining a Civil Connection and going No Contact. A civil connection is the less extreme option where the adult child maintains a polite, but distant relationship with their parent. The distance allows the victim to go through the stages of grief without falling back into an unhealthy cycle. The other option is going No Contact, which is exactly how it sounds. All contact with the abuser is cut, and the victim continues on to healing without their toxic presence.
From A Mind Map Perspective
Parental Narcissistic Abuse is a system gone wrong where the parent uses the child to meet their emotional needs instead of the normal, other way around. This can take many forms such as controlling, ignoring, demeaning, devaluing, and destroying. The abuse from your parent is so painful because we look to your parents for self identity, to be your support and your springboards for growth. But instead you are put to service. You learn to people please, but nothing ever being quite enough to satisfy. You may even start to think that if you just did a little better, then you would receive the love you should’ve been getting anyway. You may have always thought your relationship is normal, but there truly is something wrong.
In order to realize the gravity of your mistreatment, you must look back at the incidences in your childhood that cause you the most pain. Psychoeducate yourself about narcissistic abuse (which you can do through many of our blog articles!) so you can see the signs of narcissistic abuse and recognize them in your own life. Once you have done that, you must dismantle all the terrible beliefs your abuser has made you think about yourself.
You are not what they made you, and you can heal. Believe that.
Then you can begin healing, but you will not find it with your abuser. They will not suddenly change and be the parent you wished you had. Find healthy ways to paradigm shift into happiness such as therapy. You can decide on an amount of interaction that works for you. Instead of looking to them for the love you were deprived of, form positive, supportive relationships with those around you. The healthy interconnections with others will guide you to the light you seek.
Thank you Gianna. As an adult child of a narcissistic mother and family, I have only just discovered the truths regarding an extremely vague and painful childhood, feelings of confusion and frustration, lack of a solid connection to others, and ignorance as to who this man with my name and face really is. I’m 61. This dis ease jade impacted my life far more than I ever endeavored or thought could be understood. An attack by a boyfriend Sri gong a hammer at my head was the eventual wake up call. The depressions and anxiety were never dealt with in the context of decades of inadequate therapy. I am both grateful and blessed to be shown the truth. My life is in chaos. But now I have opportunity to make sense of the truth as it always was. I have found Dr Judy’s work a great comfort.
Thank you for your kind comment, I’m so glad it helped you. If you ever need anything, please call the number on our website homepage and we can help you even more!